Girls: No Use Crying Over Spilled Wine

By The Betches

So this week on Girls the tides turned and everyone got all deep and out of character on us. Hannah, Jessa, and Marnie all got some much needed affection. Sadly Shosh was noticeably absent, probably fiending for crack somewhere in exchange for happy endings or perusing an Aqua sale.

We enter Marnie's plotline with her Facebook stalking adventures, and we actually felt something for her. We don't know which is worse: listening to Adam's disturbing dirty talk or Demi Lovato.

Then Jessa and Marnie attempt to drown their own sorrows by #1 talking shit about Hannah's greasy forehead, even though last week they both hated each other. We all know the frenemies who bond via jealousy of their mutual friend's happiness. THIS SHOW IS TOO REAL TO FUNCTION.

girls weirdos need girlfriendsPretty sure Adam stole that from Rent...


Eventually they realize the true path to recovery: getting fucking wasted. So they decide to de-stress by doing cliche Sex and the City shit like getting dressed up and going for cocktails. Sadly no one told them that if you want to be in fancy and grown up there's a place to do it and it's called Manhattan. Unless they really were in the city, in which case they simply chose the wrong fucking bar. Then Marns pulls the lez card to prove to the world that she too can be fun and do things like throw coins in the Trevi fountain and make out with a British bitch.

"I want to be balls deep in something." screams Officer Rhodes before continuing to nibble on the ugly carrot. "Do you even know what it's like to work hard. There's no way that's your nose. There's no cartilage that is that exquisite. No more excluding me Mary Poppins. I wanna be part of the group." Then Jessa's all like sorry man but you can't sit with us.

Side note on Jessa: We find out she lost her virginity at 17 because "sex without breasts is creepy." Maybe so, but Justin Bieber doesn't seem to mind.

But enough about that, now we get to talk our own shit about Hannah. In a surprising and extremely unrealistic set of events, Adam went from being a complete fucking asshole to somewhat of a great guy who did nice shit like exercising with her and buying her ice cream which she definitely could have done without. But then again, he continues to be a freak show and pees on her while telling her she has split ends. Their growing love for each other left us smiling, and with only a very very small urge to vomit, so you know it's good.

Clearly Adam's commitment and anger issues are going to make for some pretty fucking funny plot lines. We already got some laughs from watching them chilling on the couch eating cereal dressed in onesies, perhaps in some attempt to recreate a Dr. Seussian role play fantasy with Thing One and Thing Two. Ah, who said commitment wasn't glamorous.

We could tell Hannah was finally growing up and getting herself into a mature relationship by the eloquent and charming way that Adam speaks with the women around him. "Yo skank where you at? Trying to get that pussy pounded? Sorry that was my sister." Clearly this guy needs to find some book teaching him the appropriate ways to speak to women, perhaps checking Oprah's reading list. Might make for a better bathroom pastime than taking down a quart of fucking 2%.

girls weirdos need girlfriendsNo Adam! You peed on my cupcake!!!!

Finally, can we talk about Adam's interpretive dance? It was like watching Freddie Prinze Jr. watch Rachel Leigh Cook do weird shit with paint and then watching Rachel Leigh Cook watch Freddie Prinze Jr do that stupid shit with the hackey sack and say mean things about his dad and then they both call it art and then make out.


Ah Girls, like a depressing three legged dog that runs out to get the newspaper we would never read, we've come to love you despite your extremely depressing appearance. Hopefully next weekend we'll see Shosh finally lose her virginity to an aspiring barista in exchange for a cup of organic chai tea.

Last week's recap>>





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