Girls Recap: An HPV Grows in Brooklyn

By The Betches

We have to admit, even though Girls is weird as fuck, we're really starting to like it. But only in the "I have to preface telling you I like it by telling you I think it's weird" kind of defensive way. Seriously though, the whole scene with Hannah's ex boyfriend/current homosexual was great. My dad is not gay, he got the earring on a trip with a group of his male friends! If only the sick dialogue wasn't accompanied by the remnant costumes from Annie Hall.

But as usual, we still can't find ourselves relating to these characters. It's a show about girls, why do they have to be these cupcake-in-bathroom eating hipsters? Like yeah I'll hug my besties to a heartfelt Robyn song, but not when I'm sober.

But onto more important matters, why does Hannah put up with this Adam guy, who even can't commit to telling her if he's home or not, but can definitely commit to telling her she's overweight. Who does this show think it is? In no universe do girls enjoy getting their stomach grabbed at while sitting down. OOOooh it's even better when I'm in fetal position where everything is all compact, that's when I'll really want you to touch me.

girls hbo dancing

Adam is such a hipster meat-head, a combination which makes zero sense and we refuse to believe exists in real life. A man-child with 2% body fat and nothing to do, where did she even find such a loser? Have you tried a lot to lose weight? Do you eat for fun? How many more times do I have to call you fat before you get out of my bed?


It's like, no shit Hannah got HPV from him, have you heard any of the drivel that comes out of his disproportionately large mouth that we just know he would blow himself with if he could? My best dyke friend works for a dick doctor so I got dicktested and it was fucking dicktastic. Sure having HPV sucks, but if you don't even realize you're not using a condom while having sober sex, we're sorry but you deserve it. And can someone tell me why everyone's crying about her having HPV, 70% of all women have it at some point. This show shouldn't be called girls it should be called dumb bitches...and no we don't have HPV. All adventurous women don't have HPV, they go #3 abroad.

How about Marnie and her sad sad boyfriend who cut his hair to resemble a fuzzy chemo patient. It's like that time you decided you wanted to rewatch Gossip Girl from the beginning and you got so into it that you started comparing everything in your life to the show. Except Marnie's boyfriend looks like he's on a Saving Private Ryan bender.

On the subject of Marnie, can we please talk about what girls DEFINITELY don't do. After getting turned on by an asshole, we don't run to a bathroom during a work function to go masturbate. Am I right? Instead, we immediately text our group chat: "holy shit guys, I just met this total douchebag, I really want to fuck him."

There's not much to say about Jessa except that she did a great job dressing like a slut for her babysitting job.

Shoshanna on the other hand exceeded all of our lowest expectations. "Oh my effing G." Speaking in instant message from 2003, Shoshy takes abbrevs to the point of complete retardation...while watching the game show network. No wonder she's never had sex, this channel is where adult virgins go to remain adult virgins.

And lastly, the epic rendez-vous between Hannah and Elijah. I mean, he is SO GAY. You could tell he was gay by their embrace, straight bros don't linger. How didn't Hannah, or at the very least her college friends, not realize!? I really should have suspected he was gay because he only ejaculated like 30% of the time...

"Why couldn't you have figured out that you were gay at our liberal arts college where there were other gay men." No one would refer to their school as "liberal arts college." They'd call it Brown.

However Elijah, as a gay man, should know better than to tell women they're soft and round. Sure, EVERY girl loves to be called a dumpling but please be more specific...shumai or gyoza?

Oh and Hannah, the title of your book of essays is called Midnight Snacks? What's the subtitle? "I'm fat"? No wonder you tweet your feelings.

On that note, we'll leave you off with an excerpt from Hannah's Twitter:

Just poured water on some perfectly good bread to stop myself from eating it. Ate it anyway. BECAUSE I'M AN ANIMAL

How often do u think a guy is looking at you with love eyes then realize he's special ed/ traveling with a caretaker. I've done that thrice.

Following 902, Followers 26 ...voice of your generation LOL

If life imitates Twitter and Twitter imitates life, then you my dear are a floser.

Last week's recap>>





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