Girls Recap: A Shmashmortion Party

By The Betches

It's week #2 of Girls and we're still not totally sure how we feel about this grotesque portrayal of fat nice girls. Generally it's like watching a car accident. Though the visuals continue to scar us, the writing is still the best part. So really this show should be an audio book...or a horror story Lena Dunham tells around a campfire to scare the shit out of prepubescent rich girls.

Most importantly why does all the sex look sooo awful? First there's Hannah and her mutant fuck buddy having nauseating kinky sex that wasn't at all kinky, it was verbal abuse. Brits like Jessa might even call it word rape. That was really good...that was so good...I almost came. So his fantasy is to fuck an 11-year-old with a cabbage patch backpack. If this is based on Lena Dunham's real life we feel sorry for her, though we bet the real guy was actually into Hello Kitty backpacks and girls with retainers.


girls vagina panic


Then you have Marnie who prefers doggy to avoid looking at her girlfriend, followed by Jessa's accidental but really lucky miscarriage. Seriously with all this miserable sex I wouldn't be surprised if next week they join a convent and the show's new Twitter handle becomes @hboNUNS.

But let's focus on Hannah for a second. We may have invented the #70 delusional dater, but we couldn't have imagined a DD as serious as Hannah in our wildest dreams. When Adam was fucking her he was like "you better call me every time you come! You need my permission." She was probably thinking like "OMG you want me to call you!?!?! ...I knew this was getting serious!"

Then later when Marnie says to Hannah, he can't do this to you he's NOT your boyfriend...the look of shock on her face is profound, like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND?!?

And where does Hannah get her clothing? If she ever wanted to pick up a cabbage patch backpack I'm sure she could find one in stock at her favorite salvation army outlet. Seriously does she like, shop the Obits? Now that she's cut off I guess she needs to resort to perusing the closets of Brooklyn's recently deceased.

Soooo, jokes about rape a no-no at job interviews. Noted.


girls vagina panicRight, because this isn't what lesbians do either


"If I wanted to go on dates I would, but I don't, because they're for lesbians." - Why are dates for lesbians? Is this something delusional knocked up people say? Seriously Jessa who are you, you don't even text. Must also be for lesbians.

Oh and what's with the AIDS obsession? Sorry Hannah but when you mention AIDS on the reg like this, you can't pretend your Forrest Gump-based fear of AIDS is not completely irrational. The last time I heard someone so uncertain about HIV was let's see, never, because I wasn't born yet. News flash Hanns, you're further removed from the people in RENT than you think. We seriously doubt their concerns were over unpaid internships. The only person on this show who seems realistically at risk for AIDS is Jessa, who decided to skip her abortion to fuck some bro in a bar bathroom...props Jess for the irony. 525,600 minutes, 525 thousand moments at Planned Parenthood so dearrrrrr.

Let's talk about Shoshanna. It seems we've got a 22-year-old virgin on our hands. Guess that's what happens when the only bar you chill at is Dylan's. Maybe if she wasn't so busy making inspirational bulletin boards and reading hot pink dating advice books "for the ladies" her cherry would have been popped already. The only lady on this show is Marnie's boyfriend.

Finally the line of the night goes to Hannah for this: "You're a really good friend. And you threw a really good abortion." You know on most shows about girls like Gossip Girl/Revenge/Real Housewives, there's usually like a big event or party that all the characters get dressed up for that sets up the climax of the episode? Well on this show the main event is an abortion. Girls...they're just like us...except not at fucking all.





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