July 5, 2011
As a betch, it's inevitable that you will have a jam-packed schedule filled with #23 pregames, parties, and nights out #20 clubbing. But we admit it can be challenging to juggle all of those who are clamoring for a slot on our social calendar. No one said it was easy to be so popular and adored, but fortunately betches are smart. When you have too many people vying for your attention and time is of the essence, the solution is clear. A group dinner must be arranged.
The group dinner is simultaneously one of the most loved and hated betch activities and regardless of how successful (or disastrous) your dinner is, the process is universal.
The proposal: Since group dinners sound like a great idea in theory (Yay, now I don’t have to lie about hanging out with my other crowd), but in reality are a huge fucking hassle, the planning process is a pain in the ass and therefore would never happen if not for the group overachiever, the initiator. The initiator of the group dinner is usually the most bored betch in the group. Or the fattest.
The planning: Even if the idea of "going to din!" sounds great to you and all of your besties, if you're a true betch, you're not going to lift a fucking finger to have any part in planning that shit. It's understood that the bitch who goes out of her way to plan anything is the most desperate for plans. Have you organized your last five bestie get-togethers? Subtext: you're the dud.
There's nothing a true betch hates more than planning. Details are for nerds and our dad's secretaries. There is an exception of course if you’re a PR betch and this is the kind of thing that gets you off. Not only does planning a large dinner involve taking into account people's schedules apart from your own, but the art of selecting guests is both complex and risky. Invite one too many of your besties' #38 frenemies and soon the only plans you'll be making are with your psychologist.
Venue selection is always a major deal. Inevitably one of the betches will have a serious bone to pick with the planner over the restaurant choice because of the new #5 diet she is claiming to be on this week. I'm only eating meatballs, tuna, salmon, and shrimp! Nothing is more fucking annoying than the high-maintenance betch who wants to change the plans and manages to piss at least one other betch off enough that she claims she "isn't coming to dinner anymore!" If you're either of these characters, just keep your fucking mouth shut.
The dinner: When you arrive, and with whom, are essential factors in the group dining experience. This determines the seating arrangements and therefore how much Xanax you'll need to shadily pop under the table in order to tolerate those around you. Finding yourself sandwiched between the #48 Dud and the #7 BSCB could either be really fucking funny or the equivalent of an hour in a mental facility.
Eating is the least important part of the meal. Salad. Vodka soda or wine. Maybe some form of chicken if you look like you’re just above ano so everyone can know that you’re not anorexic, just naturally skinny. Acceptable dinner conversation includes: #1 talking shit or talking about yourself.
Finally, every betch's least favorite part of the group dinner is handling the check. Betches hate work, and it's a wise strategy to aim to be the drunkest at the table, in order to avoid any expectation that you'll be helping with this nice girl task. You throw your credit card into the pile and start #34 BBMing about your post-dinner plans. You say fuck you to the annoying bitch who either a) refuses to split the check equally (but my salad cost $21 and yours was $23!), or b) insists on using cash. Betches are way too busy to be bothered by other people's finances. If you’re too poor to split 12 salads among 12 people then just fucking stay home and have your housekeeper cook you dinner.
Group dinners are bittersweet. We love the activity and the ambiance of eating out with our besties, but when they get too big, shit just gets fucking annoying. A true betch knows how to limit the group dinner to six people tops, all of whom she actually likes and doesn’t have to avoid talking to.
Finally, we should talk about the #4 birthday dinner. If you're invited to someone's birthday dinner, you obviously shouldn't let her pay. The only occasions when it is acceptable to attend large group dinners are for celebratory purposes. These are times when it's okay to be surrounded by people you don't like, simply because it lowers the portion of the Birthday Betch's meal that you have to pay for. Honestly the fact that betches have to deal with these bullshit obligations is annoying enough. Your presence at her fucking birthday monstrosity is a present in itself. But fuck it, it's the bitch's day, and attending this shit will probably make you feel less guilty about vomiting inside her new Chanel bag later that evening.
Bon Apetit betches, and don't even think about ordering dessert. Remember, this is a group dinner, not an excuse to fucking eat.