July 5, 2011
Facebook is an extremely important part of The Betch Life, and we all know why. Would anyone give a shit about Facebook if it were a collection of pointless statuses and a platform to play Farmville? No, nobody cares about that freak you knew in 4th grade who friended you for no reason except to stalk your life.
There’s only one reason we constantly check Facebook. Photos. Facebook albums are what makes Sunday a half-acceptable day, and you know you’re going to harass your friend with the camera to put that shit up ASAP.
Let’s talk about the group photog. The group photog is different than the #6 muploader, who takes care of pics on Tuesdays and Sundays when we go out in our second-tier outfits. But the group photog handles weekends and big events like homecoming and Halloween, and you need her to ensure that you have over 1,000 tagged pictures. Anyone who has less than 200 might as well have their profile red-flagged and branded with LOSER at the top.
The photog is one of the most high-pressure roles in the group. Besides the need to be on constant active camera duty, she’s almost solely responsible for your Facebook image. Almost 2,000 of your 2,500 tagged photos are hers, and the day she makes her albums private will be the end of your betchy reputation on the internet. Her Spring Break album from sophomore year is probably the sole reason that no one will ever hire you.
Being group photog comes with serious responsibilities, and sometimes you’re just one accidentally uploaded photo away from committing one of these serious photog offenses:
Putting up every single pic: Betches look gorg in every picture they take, but no one wants to see 17 versions of the same six girls standing in a different order. This usually means the photog uploads the group picture where she looks the best and casually deletes the others.
(Side note: There are universal steps for approaching the group picture. As soon as you see the photog reach for her camera, everyone immediately scrambles to get the spot in the middle. Obviously you want to be photographed in the center of your bestie group, but if you can’t get there in time and get stuck on the end, make sure to put your hand on your hip so your arm appears #5 skinny.)
Uploading but not tagging: You’re really making me go through and tag YOUR pictures, so everyone can see that I went out of my way to do it? No thanks, no ones supposed to know I've even seen this album unless I'm making a HILARIOUS comment on the picture where Jenny is funneling from the top of the stairs. "You go Jenny! WHAT A CHAMP!!" I’d rather let your album fade into Facebook oblivion. That’s what you get for being a lazy bitch who doesn’t tag.
Refusing to delete: Are you kidding me? I have a double chin and four stomach rolls.
Not editing: We expect the group photog to enhance, retouch, boost color, and crop out our appendages if they appear even slightly bloated.
Losing her camera: You lost the picture where the upper-right corner of my forehead looks skinny?! I don’t care if you went to the hospital and had to get your stomach pumped! Keep track of your shit! Get the fuck out of my apartment, betch. And don’t come back until you get a new camera. This one better be fucking touch screen so I can zoom in on myself with ease!
Not being on active camera duty: You’re fired. There are always some events where everyone's too fucked up and having too great of a time to even care if it's being documented. While this sounds desirable in theory, there's always the question: Would we rather have had an amazing time or pictures that make the rest of the world think we had an amazing time? We think you know the answer.
With all this pressure on the group photog, why would anyone want to deal with it? Some betches just like photography… we all know the one who’s trying to be artsy with her camera. Sometimes the photog is the non-betchy accident in the friend group who’s really only there out of necessity and because you’ve already been friends for three years of college so it’s too late to get rid of her. She assumes the role of photog as part of being the group bitch.
Sometimes a betch just craves the control that comes with the job and wants to show everyone how amazing her life is and how many formals she goes to. She has the power of God to upload that pic where you look like a whale, or the one where you look amazingggg and she looks like a whale. If a picture is taken and never uploaded onto Facebook, did it really exist? Answer: NO. Like a Goddess on Mount Olympus, the group photog gets to decide.
All in all, while there’s a lot of room for the group photog to fuck up, we need her to take on this responsibility and we’re all grateful. To show your appreciation for your photog bestie, just try to minimize your eye rolling when she’s snapping pics at the pregame and pulls the most painful card she has. “It’s my camera, shot not end!”