January 8, 2012
Ever since we were young betches-in-training, people have been telling us to stop chewing gum. No gum in class, no gum at the dinner table, no gum during dentist appointments. Bla fucking bla. Let a girl chew. I mean, we get it. It's the second most obnoxious thing you could possibly be doing while speaking to someone, the first being literally telling someone to go fuck themselves. What people don't understand is that betches need gum like they need their own apartment in NYC immediately after graduation. Really fucking badly.
Betches are always trying to think of new and exciting ways to curb our hunger, like nibbling on ice cubes, taping pics of Victoria Beckham on our refrigerators, or slapping ourselves anytime we think of food. But why go through such masochistic torture when the answer is right in front of you? Um hello!? It's the pack of rubber you have in your bag disguised as a small wallet.
Some betches popped out of their mom's vaginas chewing Bazooka, while others just don't care for America's favorite meal. If gum isn't your thing, we don't blame you. Not everyone is blessed with teeth durable enough to withstand chewing a fruity car tire.
Much like humans evolved from apes, the betchiest gums have also changed over time. When we were like ten our go-to was Bubblicious and that shit was just fucking delicious...and pink. But the times they are a changing, and apparently placing something the size of your big toe in your mouth is no longer socially acceptable.
Then betches started dieting. I mean, you can imagine our shock when learning that our old fav gum, Bubble Tape, had like, an entire 25 calories a piece, enough to feed a starving teen girl in Greenwich for a week. We needed to find something of nutritious substance to pair with our Diet Cokes. Enter Extra and Dentyne. They were the middle school equivalent to Adderall and you better believe we were popping that shit for all 3 meals.
Today there are only a few types of gum that are acceptable for a betch to chew. If it's not elitist and trendy or if it doesn't have a cool name that has nothing to do with the flavor, like "Cobalt" or "Prism" then we won't fucking touch it. Everyone knows that if you're not an Orbit, Stride, or 5 kind of betch you can't sit with us. Like if you're the dud, at the very least you should always have a stick of one of these handy, or else why do you exist?
Oh and don't even get us started on the freaks who chew Big Red. That gum is strictly for the big fat freak who likes the taste of a piece of shit on fire. If we wanted to be associated with things that were spicy and made us want to vomit, we'd befriend a ginger.
Finally, let's talk about the practical value of gum. Making your mouth not taste like shit. If you've ever sat next to a guy with halitosis, you know that the only bigger turn off to sitting next to a barf breathing dragon would be dating a guy who was unemployed. A true betch never has this issue herself and will always be sure to have an Altoid or piece of gum handy in case the drugs she's doing have an adverse affect on her breath.
So betches, remember the words of former betch turned blueberry, Violet Beauregarde: Charlie Bucket: [asking about Violet's gum] Why hold onto it? Why not start a new piece? Violet Beauregarde: Because then I wouldn't be a champion. I'd be a loser. Like you.
Don't be a loser nice girl. Chew gum.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing