116. Halloween

By The Betches

Everyone knows that Halloween and New Years are the two nights a year when the freaks come out. It’s when people nice girls who never go out do. Ugh. For this reason Halloween is often overhyped, but betches love it anyway. People Fat girls are always bitching that this holiday is just an excuse for girls to dress like sluts. We say, yeah no shit.

Halloween is the best holiday ever for betches mainly because blacking out is mandatory and we are fortunate enough to be able to use our creativity as a means to wear less clothes. What better way to wear literally nothing than to sport Jasmine’s crop top or Ariel the Mermaid’s sea shell bra. Omg I just love Disney.

pumpkinBetchiest. Pumpkin. Ever

For most people, Halloween lasts one day and involves eating candy, but just like most rules of society, this doesn't apply to betches. We celebrate for 3 to 4 days and throw our candy back with a shot of vodka.

When it comes to choosing a costume, it is necessary to plan weeks ahead and will probably be the most #36 work you'll do all month. A true betch puts more thought into her Halloween costumes than Lindsay Lohan puts into her life. The key is to accentuate your best qualities while being both whorish and ironic.

Honestly betches, we could give you a long drawn out list of slutty Halloween costumes, but if we publicized them here they wouldn't be fucking original anymore, would they? Be creative betches and stop writing to us asking us to tell you what to wear. In general if your costume isn't extremely funny or clever (aka original) while also slutty, then you should just dress as slutty as you can and be whatever the fuck is the easiest. Betches don't do work, fucking duh! Oh, you know I look great in red...I'm gonna be um...fuck it I'm gonna wear my red bra and be the color red.

Hypothetically, it could be possible to go completely naked aka dressed as a nudist or Mason Dash Disick (nevermind - that kid's more hairy than my Persian jeweler). Although you might be judged, just blame it on the lengths a dedicated betch will go to for the sake of the costume!

kim kardashianIn Kim's version, Aladdin is a 6-foot ogre who has the same name as her mom

Halloween is not about dressing scary. The scariest costume a betch would ever attempt would be Lady Gaga, and this would be especially frowned upon. If we wanted to dress up as someone fugly and frightening we would find some hideously unfashionable clothes, slap some grease on our faces, and be our nice girl bio lab partner.

[Side note: We predict within the next three years there will be a movie about Halloween, called Halloween, starring Ashton Kutcher and at least 17 other mainstream actors who do nothing in the movie except sell out and maybe teach you a fake lesson about life. VOM.COM. If there was anyone who needed a life lesson it would be Anne Hathaway, to stay out of ours. Were the producers blackout when they paired Michelle Pfeiffer with Zac Efron? Maybe they were going for the idea that Zac is this generation's Clooney and this was going to be our "One Fine Lay."]

We apologize for the tangent. Sorry not sorry we're not sorry.

Cool group costumes are great photo ops but only for one night. Let’s not overdo it. For younger betches it's acceptable to dress up with your sorority, which will scream, “I’m so tight with my sisters IT’S SCARY.

Remember betches, who you are on Halloween is who you are in life. Unless your costume is a slutty blue collar worker.


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