84. Hating Long Distance Relationships

By The Betches

There are many instances in a betch's life in which the dreaded long distance relationship decision comes about. Maybe you're headed to college and this was your high school boyfriend. Maybe it's the boyfriend you obtained while #3 abroad or maybe it's your BF from college and he just got a job making bank at a bank across the fucking country.

Whichever way you managed to get yourself into one of these relationships, brace yourself to be fucking irritated ninety percent of the time. You see the main problem with LDRs is that in order for them to work, they take a lot of fucking work. Not to sound repetitive but betches hate doing work, especially in an effort to have sex, something that presents itself to us as easily as jokes about fat people.

going distanceYour friends will also be excited for your boyfriend to visit

Honesty though, what's the point of a relationship without being able to have sex upon demand? It's like not being able to drive the cute little white Porsche convertible that your dad got you because you have a DUI.

Some betches may say that the anticipation of seeing your boyfriend every other weekend makes the sex all that much better. We say, bullshit. Yeah that excitement is great but it’s fucking short-circuited and the last thing you want is your boyfriend anticipating fucking the girl who sits next to him in his accounting class.

Then comes the problem of when you become so deprived of sex that you find yourself wanting every guy you see like a fucking animal in heat just because you cant have them. Betches get what they want; restraining yourself from wanting something is for nice virgins and dieting fat people. But paradoxically, betches don't cheat so it's hard to find a way to maneuver this sexual roadblock. So now all you’re left with is the fantasy of hooking up with the guy in YOUR accounting class. There’s something about the way he speaks about cash flow statements that makes me want to give him head.

What’s even worse about LDRs is having to speak on the phone all the time. You can’t possibly sustain a relationship through text message so both of you make it a point to call each other once a day. How was your day? Good. How was school today? Good. That shit gets boring fast and next thing you know you can’t stand the sound of his voice and the conversation is as scintillating as one with your grandma.

However when you do see each other, the only real options of things to do together are have sex and go out do dinner. And then you wonder why your ass is fifty fucking percent larger.

Then there's jealousy. Sure betches are confident people and should never display weakness, but there's something about LDRs that turn us into fucking psychos. No matter how “stable” you claim your relationship may be, it is inevitable that you will schedule daily facebook stalking sessions of your boyfriend’s friends’ pictures looking for him in the background, no matter how busy you are. You know you've hit an all-time low when some variation of the following goes through your head; OMG is that Eric leaning on the refrigerator there? I totally recognize the back of his head. Who the FUCK is that whore he’s talking to. It can only go downhill from here.

Next thing you know you’re left dating the bro’s facebook and suddenly regret being too cool to post your relationship status. Like we said, these thoughts are crazy.

Even worse are LDRs with a time difference. You clearly win if you’re the one in an earlier time zone but even so, these relationships are shorter lived than ones working in the same hour. Think about the TV and movies. Turtle and Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Mena Suvari and Chris ‘Oz’, Justin Long and Drew Bar. Movies are supposed to glorify everything and those relationships barely fucking worked, how do you suppose ones in real life would turn out?


The benefits of long distance relationships are slim, but they exist in winning over your #50 guy friends. This is kind of amazing in the sense that you have a free pass to flirt with your guy friends just as you would with your #52 GBFF and they can’t do anything about it. Now you’re that tease elusive girl that none of them can have but all of them want.

Enter the open relationship. Nothing screams security more than being almost positively sure that the guy you're in love with is taking some fugly freshman on dates or to formals. "But we have a rule! No below the belt!" is like telling a guy he's allowed to watch a basketball game but not the final quarter. Good fucking luck.

So betches, entering or sustaining a long distance relationship is highly discouraged unless the long distance part is temporary and you think there's a significant chance that you'll marry this soon to be pro. There are few things more depressing to a betch than spending three years of college in a dramatic LDR with a guy just to discover during senior week that you're 'over it', no matter how good the phone sex was or how pretty he said you look via skype.

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