July 5, 2011
So we realize we’ve been #1 talking a lot of shit about those whom we’d label “nice girls.” While these people obviously suck, we feel it’s a little unfair to limit our negative feelings to only this one group. Betches are all for equality, so we know that all nice people deserve the same amount of disdain. Namely, nice guys.
Betches don’t love bros so much because of their amazing looks and generous, caring ways. We love bros because they don’t automatically take all of our shit and don’t always respond to our clever #32 winning tactics. Offer me a ride home after I stay the night at your place? You’re done. Fucking desperate loser. Forget to wish me a happy birthday via both BBM and Facebook? +5 right there.
There’s a certain confidence that the nice guy lacks that makes us wanna vomit. (I guess they’re good for something!) Don't be flattered if a nice guy asks you out, he's the kind of tool who's been on the prowl since he broke up with his latest lame girlfriend less than a month ago. If you’re a nice guy, it is virtually impossible to even attain #19 ugly hot status. And sometimes, even if you are hot, being a kind and overly affectionate person will end with you getting fucked over… and we don’t mean the kitchen table.
Granted, guys don't have to be sadistic or mean for betches to like them, although it does help. But there’s a very thin line between being a moderate challenge and someone’s bitch. Sometimes nice guys are hard to spot, and we don’t realize it until we’ve already hooked up with them.
Here are some signs you’ve encountered a nice guy:
1. He refuses to play mind games 2. He tells you how he feels far too soon 3. He talks to his mom several times a day 4. He’s president of the Academic Integrity Hearing Board at your university 5. He’s the friend who constantly goes on beer runs 6. He continues to contact you after you stood him up four times 7. He says you should take things slow… sexually 8. He listens to what you have to say and actually references it in later conversations. Ew.
So betches, if you find yourself entangled with a nice guy, don’t panic. Depending on how betchy you are, you can either ride this one out for fun to see how long he’ll keep coming back, no matter how many times you tell him his wardrobe is repulsive and that you hate kids and small animals. If you’re a nicer betch, you might tell him you’re just not that into him. Or, you could “wrong BBM” him something explicitly sexual with another bro’s name. Either way, you should wait until after your birthday to end shit just in case he has a cool gift lined up. We wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money, especially not on us.
You might also decide to keep him around on the off chance that he suddenly decides to become an asshole (yay!) and starts to ignore you. Then it’s only a matter of days before you’re in love with him and you can’t figure out why that is. Seeing him hook up with someone else usually does the trick. I don’t want you, but you’re certainly not allowed to fucking want anyone else!
Not to sound like total haters, it’s just that betches are very intriguing and complicated, and nice guys don’t fuck with our heads enough to keep us interested. A true betch won’t be won over with flowers and candy, instead the key to our hearts is to strategically ignore the fact that we’re hot shit and subtly insult us. Every betch knows the only thing hotter than a good actual fuck is a quality mind fuck.