November 27, 2011
A fundamental tenet of the Betch Life is obviously #36 not doing work. But let's talk about the hard worker's fat cousin: the person who tries too hard. We don't just mean the Asian FOBs who've spent more time studying in the library this past week than you did for your entire LSAT, we mean anyone who tries or appears to Try Too Hard (TTH) at anything they do.
Watching people try too hard is kind of like witnessing the trainwreck that will inevitably occur when Suri Cruise starts doing coke. It's uncomfortable to watch, but you're definitely fucking interested in watching it. You think I want to stop reading Jamie's incessant Four Square updates?! We haven't even gotten to last week's Equinox check-ins. Dream on betch.
The most annoying thing about people who try too hard is the fact that they don't get that their blatant nauseating effort is a clear sign of their insecurity and desperation. Effort is for Barack Obama and Celebrity Fit Club participants.
So what are some examples that really set a betch off, making her feel like far too much work is being done by non-staff members in her presence? You could otherwise title this post "Our Pet Peeves." Here we go:
Because we all know that girl you thought was normal until you saw her Facebook...
- excessive solo bikini profile pictures, yes we get it. You used to be fat and now you're not. Put some clothes on, loser.
- excessive Facebook statuses
- any kind of model or glamour shots involved in your default pictures
- muploading things/stationary objects that aren't humorous or entertaining but are rather meant to brag
- muploading while shopping, put that fucking Hermes bag away we DGAF.
- saying I love you or I miss you on your boyfriend's wall in addition to the inevitable countdown to when you'll see each other next. We get it, you want that bitch who thinks your boyfriend is hot to think you're SO in love, but if I wanted to throw up when I looked at my news feed, I'd look at your 'Habitat for Humanity 2011' album!
- excessive use of Four Square
- excessive commentary on blogs
- excessive bragging tweets, particularly about your job and/or praise that others give you. OMG I'm so excited that your coworker told you that you look like Angelina Jolie. Please tell everyone on Facebook and Twitter just in case there's someone out there who cares.
- owning a bright red car, particularly a convertible, with a vanity plate. You might as well wear a sign around your neck that says 'Please think I have money.'
- owning too much monogrammed shit
- brand name dropping, see Pam of RHOBH
- too much daytime makeup
- wearing a lot of makeup to the gym or carrying too much makeup on you, like if you're carrying an eyelash curler to a bar, you have self esteem issues.
- running a marathon or advertising that you are
- excessive use of iPhoto editing for retouch purposes and not just trying to be artsy
- come to think of it, trying to be artsy
- wearing excessive sorority gear
- excessive bragging about partying habits, wealth, career, or other girls he's been with
- insisting he's not a douchebag regardless of the fact that you both know he has no soul
- bragging about skills in bed, if he has to say it it ain't so.
- the occasional bro whose dad owns a hedge fund but he "wants to work elsewhere to make a name for himself"...seriously, that's nauseating.
- doing any
So betches, if you're trying too hard it means you're trying to overcompensate for the fact that you suck. Save the desperate attempts for love and attention for your therapy appointment and remember that if betches wanted to hang out with tools we'd fuck nice guys or be fans of Ryan Seacrest.