July 6, 2011
Since betches are naturally the most amazing people in the world, it's logical that everybody else is less cool than us. Enter the people who wish they weren't. The social climbers.
The Talker: This type of climber is generally the most annoying because they talk a huge game and don't do shit. This girl can't help but name drop people she only knows from intensive Facebook stalking and she constantly claims to know people and promoters at all the hottest clubs. She's always on the list for a table everywhere, every weekend, obvi. Except she's fucking not. So as a result this girl is usually considered a huge joke by anyone who isn't missing a brain hemisphere, but this sort of works to her advantage because no one actually cares enough to waste their time hating her.
Good for: Nothing. Unless you enjoy listening to someone spit bullshit in your ear 24/7, or you're in the market for an additional annoying bitch to hang out with, stay away. People will wonder why you're friends with this girl.
How to avoid: Talkers usually have a reputation for being the annoying cunts they are, so it's best just to avoid becoming friends with them. If you find yourself unfortunate enough to be in a conversation with one of them, make sure you cut that shit off at 20 minutes max and don't believe a word they say.
The Sugar Daddy: This is the rich betch who uses material possessions to climb the ladder. She pays for a lot of shit and does a lot of unwarranted favors, sometimes unasked. If you think she does these things to be "nice" you're fucking ignorant. It's obvious she expects to be paid back, but certainly not with anything monetary. She has enough money. She craves social currency and knows that money will buy her one-way ticket to appearing cool. Unfortunately for the Sugar Daddy, personalities aren't sold at Intermix. Therefore she doesn't fucking have one.
Good for: Whatever they're good for. But remember that nothing in life is fucking free and you might feel like you owe them something, even if they're the ones insisting on giving you shit. But then again, they are gaining "status," so don't be afraid to tell them to fuck off when they try to hold it over your head that they brought the Belvedere to your #23 pregame. Why else did they think you invited them?
How to avoid: You can either live without the shit this person gives you, buy it for yourself, or find more generous friends.
The Group Snake: The Group Snake is interesting because she flies under the radar. Sometimes the #7 BSCB, she is a pro at using her besties' secrets against each other. She's sneaky, so outsiders are blind to her true nature. It's not always clear what her motives are, but a lot of the time she's just misguided in her attempt at getting everyone to like her. Some people might call her a people-pleaser. Fuck that. This girl is basically a professional #1 shit talker. Pathological tendencies are also a plus.
Good for: Making her your bitch whenever it suits her mood or manipulative schemes.
How to avoid: Get her out of the group at the first sign of these characteristics. We understand it can be hard to call this one out, but it needs to be done before she becomes too insufferable, fucks with the wrong person, and you can't get her the fuck away because of all the shit she has on you.
The Successful One: This girl is successful in the sense that they are the subset of climbers who can pull off a "cool" image without necessarily being so. However it's worst to be known as this type of climber because your reputation definitely precedes you and people who don't even know you are prone to fucking hate you. Read: they are jealous.
Good for: Doing fun shit with.
How to avoid: It depends, you might not want to. This person could be fine if people actually like her enough to associate with her. Proceed with caution and avoid at your discretion.
So betches, if you find yourself with a social climbing bitch in your group of besties, make sure to categorize her first, then laugh at her with the rest of your friends. Only because there’s nothing funnier than watching a bitch laugh at a joke without a clue that she’s the punchline. Don't worry about her bad intentions or conniving ways. Fuck ladders, a true betch knows it would take a fucking cherry picker to ever get higher than you.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing