October 11, 2011
How frequently do you hear or speak the words "Ugh, I'm having such bad ADD"? If this term is unfamiliar to you, you're probably not reading this website in the first place. That’s because "having ADD" is an essential part of what makes us betches.
As a betch, your attention is something that others should work for. It's like there's an unofficial bid for the most entertaining medium at all times and most of the time your phone wins. Like, sorry professor, if your lecture weren't so fucking boring I wouldn't feel the need to be arranging tonight's pregame while perusing Nasty Gal.
Every betch understands that constantly checking Twitter, Facebook, text messages, and email is absolutely necessary to lead our fast paced lifestyles. If betches were behind on social media, we might be out of the loop on major historical events like the release of the iPhone 4s or the fugly haircut that Julie got over winter break.
The only real downside of being omniscient is that we can no longer pay attention to anything for more than 5 minutes. God must have this problem all the time, which is why he invented Adderall.
Growing up we're taught that not having an attention span is something to be ashamed of. We say, that’s bullshit. Our brain is just adapting to our fast-paced lifestyles. ADD isn't a disorder, it’s a step forward. For example, you’re driving and accidentally get off at the wrong exit so you claim “I wasn't paying attention.” Wrong. Your mind is just used to getting off the highway at the mall.
Even better, ADD has allowed us to perfect our skills of multitasking. There’s nothing abnormal about not being able to get through a manicure without texting or tweeting. Like, you’ll be typing with your pinky finger while the lady adds topcoat to your thumb, nbd.
So maybe ADD creates an addiction to your phone, but whatever. It’s better than a heroin habit. In addition to being really popular, it definitely doesn't help that everyone else also has ADD. Like if your friend is texting you, you can't just like, not answer.
Your attention deficit disorder can be good and bad. The best is when you can relax at lunch with your bestie and sit in silence texting. The worst is when your great uncle makes you put your phone away and forces you to listen to him bitch about his tumor. You will say "fine, okay", but then casually find your pointer finger lurking towards the ‘slide to unlock’ button when he’s not looking.
So, if you got through this post without answering a text or checking your Facebook, you might not be a betch. Then again everyone knows the golden rule about attention disorders. ADD only exists when the focus of attention is shitty, meaning not on you.