90. High Heels

By The Betches

When a betch is getting ready, there are 2 questions she’ll inevitably ask her besties. “Whats everyone wearing?” and “Flats or Heels?”

The latter is an important question because the answer will define what kind of night it is. Flats for the casual dinner, heels if you’re going out. As a betch gets older, flats become as inappropriate as flip flops.


heelsTell your gym teacher this is the best you could do.


Here’s why:

Heels are intimidating and allow betches to command power. The taller you are, the less shit you take. We’re not talking about that 3 inch shit, it's 4 or higher.


Most obviously, heels make our legs look about 5 pounds lighter and our ass 5 years younger.


If you’re short, wearing flats is never an option.


If you’re tall and not a lanky weirdo, we suggest you wear heels. This is often a predicament because the tall betch doesn't want to go out and risk being taller than every guy there. What if there are no guys with TDS!? When you get caught up thinking this way, it's important to just suck it up put on some fucking heels anyway. Since when do betches give a shit about what anyone looks like besides themselves? Sorry everyone can't look like a model.

Kitten heels give off an extreme nice girl vibe. They're called kitten, not lion heels, for a fucking reason.

Wedges are tricky. They’re good for the daytime or a casual outing, as they allow you to appear like you don’t really care how you look but would never dare to go out in flats. Espadrilles wedges with the wrap around are weird if you can’t pull them off, which most people cannot.

Here's the Thing:


heelsThere's a reason no one here is wearing flats.


You’re on a date and you get too drunk accidentally. Had you sported flats, you would not have tripped over the uneven pavement and faced the embarrassment of having to be picked up by your #14 date. Or like worse, you step on his foot.

On the other hand, after a betch throws down a couple of shots, she can run a fucking marathon in her heels.

Heels are meant to elongate your legs, not shorten them. So if you have a wider set of legs, stay far away from ankle shoes. Like, please. No one wants to talk to a stubby betch.

So betches, like Anna Wintour (and Rosa Parks) we're starting a boycott. Stand up, tall and proud...against heels under 4 inches.


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