58. House Music

By The Betches

As we’re sure it’s obvious to everyone, we’re living in the course of a musical revolution. And because betches are always one step ahead of the game, not only are they cruising on this techno train, but they’re the fucking conductors. We’re talking about a time when iPods are half way filled with different DJs, when SHM isn’t a fucking physics term, and when two of a betch’s best friends are Armin and Benny. We’re talking about the uprising of house music.

Of course we understand that music is a very sensitive topic for almost everyone so we’ll try to be as delicate as betches are capable of being. But, if you have not the slightest clue as to what we’re talking about, it’s time for you get out from under your ugly rock.

Let’s break it down:

House music has always been a shady underground genre of music associated with partying until dawn and a shit ton of ecstasy, mostly in Europe. But it's been brought to an entirely new level. As soon as people (and betches) hear that Steve Angello is going to be in Vegas this summer, they immediately start planning their trip. And by people, we mean everyone and their mothers.

Betches love the house music era because it makes it widely socially acceptable that they'll not only be rolling their faces off, but they’ll also be dressing like sluts in neon. Put on your “effortless” outfit of high shorts, crop top, and your biggest fucking sunglasses and flock to the next summer festival. Betches have always been jealous of their hippy parents who went to Woodstock in ‘69. Well, now we have our own Woodstock, only better, and it happens 20 times a year.

electric daisy

We understand that there are some alternative/hater betches out there who aren’t into this shit…but get a grip. You can’t get the fuck away from dubstep even if you tried. Betches won’t even come close to a song that doesn’t have some form of extreme bass lines incorporated, or isn’t by an artist called Crystal Method or A-Trak. Even Nirvana is remixed. It’s a fucking Revolution.

Betches’ #23 pregames have never been the same since house music became popularized. During a pregame, the betch with the new best song is always the most respected. Whether she’s found the new cool blog or fucked some up-and-coming DJ, she has a one-up on the rest of the group. Pregames now consist of everyone dropping their heads, waving their arms, and taking shots to the beat. But it doesn’t stop at the pregame, if the bar or the party doesn’t take some form of a rave, a betch is fucking bored.

The house craze also gives betches the perfect opportunity to go fucking wild. There’s no better feeling than the one everyone has as the music approaches “the drop.” The drop gives betches an excuse to carelessly, yet violently, shake their hair and entire body. There's something about Deadmau5 that makes it chic to look like a retard mid-orgasm.

The times have changed so much that even being a promoter isn’t even remotely cool. Now the new thing is to be a DJ. If you don’t know at least one friend small Persian kid that is yearning for a spot on stage at Electric Daisy Carnival, you are not a betch.

So betches, start planning your outfits for next year’s Ultra, buy yourself some lollipops, and try to come up with a good answer for your parents as to why they haven’t met your BFF Molly.



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