September 12, 2011
1. If you're not in the Greek system you are:
A) just like everyone else. No one wears those stupid Greek letters. This is #63 America.B) assumed to be a complete fucking loser. Go Greek or go the fuck away geed... To like, NYU or somethingC) a normal person. No one judges you either way.
2. My school is located: (circle all that apply)
A) in a cityB) in the middle of bumblefuckC) in EuropeD) in a coastal state, or in ChicagoE) in a landlocked stateF) in CanadaG) in the South
3. My school is:
A) in the Ivy LeagueB) Duke, UCLA, USC, Emory, Stanford, UMiami, Tulane, BU, GW, those typesC) the main campus of Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Arizona, Ohio State, Penn StateD) a small liberal arts school in a coastal state, or NYUE) a small liberal arts school in a landlocked stateF) in a big sports conference. Do I know which one? No fucking way.G) MIT, CalTech, University of Chicago those typesH) other
4. On Saturdays during the day we typically:
A) tailgateB) go to the libraryC) day drink unrelated to sportsD) volunteer at hospitals and shelters, or attend plays or political campus rallies or other weird events you should be embarrassed to attendE) sit around recovering from hangover, filling day with nothing in particular, lots of free time to #77 shop and drink #54 iced coffee
5. My tuition costs:
A) over $40,000 a yearB) under $40,000 a yearC) it's free. I'm in the army!
6. Which of the following best describes the legacy situation at your school?
A) What's a legacy?B) A few of my friends have parents who went here. Does that count? C) My bestie got a 500 on her verbal SATs. Shes at Penn now! What a smartie!D) Idk, what does it mean when they put your last name on a building? E) Um...I'm pretty sure my dad owns you.
7. I have been inside a library
A) neverB) onceC) 1-2 times each semesterD) more than the above
8. Most bros I know will later evolve into #62 Pros who work:
A) at a bank or a consulting firmB) as a lawyer or doctor when they finally get that stupid fucking degree. Good thing his parents are rich or idk how he'd afford a ring AND med school! C) as a farmer, writer, or union organizer or some other low paying shit possibly involving manual labor or
creativity sitting aroundD) for the government or in public serviceE) in any profession that you could see Ari Gold doingF) their post grad plans include being barred out and smoking pot
Scoring Key:1) A=0; B=4; C=2. 2) A=5; B=1; C=5; D=3; E=1; F=1; G=4. 3) A=2, additional +1 if Penn or Cornell because you could be dumb, -1 if you go to brown; B=4; C=5; D=2; E=0; F=5; G=0; H=1. 4) A=5; B=0; C=4; D=0; E=3. 5) A=5; B=1 point per $10,000; C=0. 6) A=0; B=2; C=4; D=5; E=6. 7) A=5; B=4; C=3; D=0. 8 ) A)=5; B=4; C=1; D=1; E=5; F=0
0-15 points - Nice Girl University: A grad of this school will have a nice job as a schoolteacher or a social worker. She'll have a #33 nice guy husband and a nice ring, the small size of which won't matter because that's not what's important. Beauty is on the inside! A place where there's Friday night poetry readings is a place where betchiness goes to die.
15-35 points - Wild Card University: You could be betchy in this school but you could also not be. (who would've thought?) You may be a betch but name dropping your school isn't helping your betchy image.
35+ points - School of Betch: A nice guy would last 2 seconds at your school. Your school is filled with so many douchebags and betches that you can't turn around without seeing a lax pinnie or a keg stand. The only 'political' protests that students rally for is the petition against the bar on College Ave closing down.
If you're gonna complain about your results we never claimed to be unbiased or know everyone at every fucking school, although we're sure they know us. Send your emails calling us out to firstname.lastname@example.org and the funniest/best/betchiest submission(s) will be published.