July 6, 2011
Today betches everywhere are celebrating because it's finally the first day of the betchiest season of the year. Happy June 21st, betches. Unless it's raining, you better haul your ass outside because it's not only the longest day of the year, but today's toxic UV rays are stronger than ever. With that we present to you our guide to having the betchiest summer ever:
Not having a job: For the funemployed betch, summer is really about avoiding boredom. Not an issue. Summer is great because you don't have to see irritating people in class and at college bars so if you're annoying you'll probably have no friends but if you're a betch, your schedule is merely a balancing act of choosing which friends pool to tan at while not offending others. (Jamies pool house doesn't even have a liquor cabinet! Fuck it, I'm going to Cara's) Not having anything to do can suck on a rainy day when you realize that your summer life revolves around the sun's schedule. Still, bad weather is never a good excuse to get a job.
If you're doing the internship thing, tell your employer you'll be on vacation until July and get your start date pushed back. Also remember to make up a school start date that's three weeks to a month earlier than the actual one so your employer knows you're outie by August 5th. This is especially true if your internship is unpaid. I'm sure I'm trying to maximize my "experience" time in a place where I'm updating contact lists and getting paper supplies from staples under the guise of a fashion internship. If we enjoyed slave labor masked as getting to know an industry we'd just get ourselves a real job in PR. Better yet, tell your parents you're studying for the GRE at Barnes and Noble and when they ask why you returned so tan just say you got a fucking window seat.
Wardrobe Change: Time to swap out your chunky leather boots and plunging v-neck sweaters for sandals, bikinis, and crop tops. Summer is the season that it becomes completely acceptable to #42 dress like a slut disguised as being "stylish for summer." Every true betch knows to take this as a green light to break out your most revealing items. In a classy way, obvs. Add a massive pair of sunglasses to up the "get the fuck away from me" factor.
Outdoor dining: When given the choice to eat outdoors or indoors, betches always choose to eat outside. Too hot out for you? Fine, go eat your lunch indoors. Eat some carbs while you're in there. Meet your besties afterwards and see how much tanning time you just missed out on, jealous fat pasty betch.
Weekends in the Hamptons: Need we say more? If you're a tri-state area betch and you don't have a house here, or a friend who does, you better fucking play sick. Every weekend. Because you're a nobody if you're not a regular at South Pointe and SL East.
Weekends in [insert your favorite WASPy summer island here]: For those who don't do the Hamptons thing.
Summer music festivals: Make sure your #22 group photog comes along so she can take artsy pictures of you and your besties in a field wearing hippie clothing, if that's your type of music. Keep pretending it's 1960, or 1985 if you prefer. For those who choose the second, break out your neon and follow Avicii and your ecstasy dealer down the east coast.
Summer flings: Summer by nature brings out a betch's wild side. There's something about being barely clothed around hot, tan bros that makes summer hook ups really interesting. Show off how much skinnier and hotter you got this winter while you judge the bitches who missed the memo that anorexia isn't a seasonal disorder.
Vacations: Spend some time, and your parent's money traveling #3 abroad (No, we don't mean backpacking, ew) or plan a trip with your besties to Vegas or Atlantic City.
Beware betches, its hot out. Take this as an excuse to maximize opportunities to take off all your clothes, not eat, and drink heavily. Before you know it, it'll be fall and the only thing you'll have to look forward to will be not having the same daily argument with your mother, explaining that you'll fucking get a job when she does.