March 13, 2012
It's common knowledge that betches are the opposite of nice girls. But sadly in society, constantly acting like an asshole is frowned upon. Therefore, like vampires, in the light of day and sobriety we must hide our true selves and pretend to care about others in order to fit in with our peers. But fear not betches, a few shots and the right bar and suddenly being an inconsiderate selfish person is not only allowed, but celebrated. What better way to secure your reputation as the life of the party than throwing up all over your outer-circle-acquaintance's bathroom rug?
Let's delve into the ways that a betch can and should show her true selfish colors. In the words of Cyndi Lauper: they're beautiful, like the eighth you stole from your frenemy's after hours last night.
Abandonment: Tired of constantly having to wait while all your friends say bye to the guys they're with to come meet you outside the bar? Well the good news is, when you're drunk, feel free to go wherever you want and not give a shit about waiting for anyone. If your bestie gets upset and starts texting you angry shit when you leave her at a bar to go to a better, more exclusive one, just tell her that you snooze you lose and it's not your fault she didn't see your text the minute you sent it. You can even turn this back on her, you don't have me set as a different ringtone?! And you consider yourself my friend. Since when is it your job to keep tabs on everyone? Do you look like a fucking babysitter? Everyone knows that after 1:30 am it's every betch for herself.
Drug Smuggling: No no, we're not talking about the time our BFF tricked the pulco E dealer into giving her 20 rolls for 100 pesos instead of dollars. We're referring to the sitch when you and your besties split the cost of the drugs, but if you're the one holding it you'll help yourself to some whenever you're in the bathroom. This is clearly wrong, but I mean, if I'm assuming responsibility for the drugs if I'm ever caught, naturally I should be rewarded with some! Basic logic. Also it's like, if you want some then follow me the fuck around, bitch.
Uncalled for Insane Overreactions: OMG were you just talking to JASON!? How could you possibly let him stand in line next to you for the bathroom when you know it's only been 18 months since we broke up. YOU ARE SUCH A TRAITOR.
Stealing Shit: Every betch has that friend who gets drunk and becomes a kleptomaniac. Be it taking a Reservoir Dogs DVD from a bro's pregame because "omg it's so cute and pink, I NEED IT" to stealing vodka from the table next to you just because you can, taking shit is a great way to show the world that everyone's property is yours. Doing a one-handed swipe of about 7 shot glasses from your fav sports bar is totally normal, dw. If you have a full set of drinking glassware in your apartment and 75% of it is not from random bars in your college town, then you need stop shopping at fucking Crate and Barrel.
Taking Advantage of the Others More Fucked Up Than You: So as drunk as it's acceptable to get, it's usually frowned upon to be the most fucked up person at any event. So when your friend inevitably becomes this person, it's best to teach her a lesson...that is by taking extremely embarrassing pictures of everything she does that she will then beg you not upload on Facebook the next day. Every betch knows that a friend will hold your hair back while you vomit out the window of the back seat of her car, but an even better friend will take pictures of you passed out on the floor with writing on your face and captioning it "Go Hard or Go Home" while simultaneously videotaping your guy friends dancing around you like you're the fucking maypole.
So betches, take advantage of this time in your life to only give a shit about yourself. You only have a small window of time to bank on this free-for-all of narcissism. Eventually it becomes socially unacceptable to be stealing shit, blacking out, and doing whatever the fuck you want...unless of course you're Kim Richards.