February 15, 2012
Though betches #36 don't do work, it's undeniable that at some point in your life, you'll want a job. Because as unbetchy as it is to do work, it's also true that people will make fun of you for being an unemployed loser who's own dad already hired and fired her. This is why one of the betchiest life skills to hone is how to get a lot of credit for doing very little.
What we mean is, being paid to do essentially nothing is one of the greatest accomplishments a betch can boast. But first you'll need to know how to pretend you're a legit person for at least the 30 minutes it will take to convince a high level employee that you're passionate about things besides blacking out and the Real Housewives.
Applying for a job like a betch is similar to how normal people apply for jobs, except for us it involves being pretty. It's a statistical fact that attractive people are more likely to get hired, all other shit being equal. So if you look like Richard Simmons consider a job at a science lab or bribing someone.
[We know this because one of us was a headhunter for like 10 mins until she realized it involved waking up early and like, actual effort; but her boss only let her respond to emails from attractive people. You can ignore calls from X and Y, they have terrible adult onset acne. Life lesson: jobs are just like high school, no one wants to be work friends with the bitch who's face is spewing pimple puss.]
Anyway, since all betches want to at least pretend to have worked for some small block of their lives before having babies and
planning family vacas being a part time philanthropist, it's important to be able to actually land a job, without trying too hard of course. Here's the Betches' guide to getting a job that you're sure to quit soon.
Rule 1: Don't be hungover.
This is perhaps the most important rule because a hungover betch is not at her prime and cannot be as manipulative as is necessary. You'll also probably look like shit and care less about what anyone's saying than you usually do...and that's like almost hard. You might also accidentally curse, without realizing, believe us we've done it before.
To avoid the dilemma of your job hunt interfering with your busy schedule of bar hopping 5 nights week, it's best to plan your interviews on Mondays or Tuesdays so your work won't interrupt your schedule. After all, you didn't even get the job yet and they're already asking you to come in on a Wednesday? Anyone in HR can list the many benefits of work-life balance for you.
Rule 2: Pretend You Give a Shit about Company X
The key to any good manipulation is understanding your target inside and out. That being said, remember two distinct things about the company and talk about how much you love them. Hmm, let's see, why do I want to work at Google? Well, I love how you guys change your little logo for important holidays, I have many good ideas for that...maybe we can make the whole page brown, you know, for Kwanza. Also, let's be real, Bing is for fuglies...and like, have you seen me?
Every once in a while a betch will find herself in a job interview that she applied for as a joke in an industry she's clueless about. Your best bet there is to just look hot and talk like your accounting professor: as in, have no idea what you're saying. Don't know what private equity is? Your interviewer should be as aware of this as he is of your plans to quit as soon as you're out of the disgusting limbo between being financially supported by your dad and your future husband.
Rule 3: Know the Do's and Don'ts like the Color of the Manicure on Your Fucking Hand
Do: Look hot and pray for a male interviewer.
Don't: Forget to ask someone else to proofread your cover letter. Not only will you not get the job with a fucked up cover letter, but everyone will freely laugh at you and the fact that you wrote that you'd enjoy the "possibility of a full time position with [insert company name here]" There's playing dumb, and then there's being a fucking idiot. Sure we all reuse cover letters but we at least remember to change the fucking company names (and not brag about our bench press and pull up skills).
Do: Wear a forgiving button-down if you have a C-cup or bigger. You might think your interviewer wants to see your cleavage, he probably does, which is okay if it'll get you the job...but no, wait, your button just flew into his eye.
Don't: Get a spray tan right before. Your interviewer will think you're having your period, down your neck. Just ask X-tina to give you a spray-by-play of her bronze menses debacle.
Do: Hop yourself up on Red Bull and iced coffee. Sure you don't give a shit but with these tools, your fake maniacal excitement will have everyone thinking you're hot and ambitious.
Don't: Actually do any work once you get hired. Find a nice girl to do it for you. Fucking duh.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing