February 6, 2012
With Valentine's Day upon us, we thought we should discuss some timely etiquette that people tend to overlook. Before nonchalantly cupping your boyfriend's balls in public after he presents you with a box of chocolates from Duane Reade, we suggest you read this post.
After all, when it comes to affection, it’s no secret that betches trend toward the lower side of the lovable cuddly scale. There's nothing more disturbing than watching a happy couple like, exist. However, it’s important not to underestimate the powerful forces that underlie public displays of affection and how they can be used to your advantage.
In general for a betch, affection is something that is gotten and not given. Does Regina George send out candy canes or does she merely wait to count the gifts from her army of skanks and arm candy? Exactly.
That being said, when we’re drunk and a public make out session is initiated, even the classiest of betches have trouble curbing their desire to mack it while some bro is trying to dry hump you from the back with his jeans on. I mean like, it’s not my fault that there’s like fifteen people in this bar who are all trying to stick their tongues down my throat.
While the public make out session is a useful tool to annoy your lingering ex who will obviously be watching your every move, it’s important to know when you’ve gone too far. If a guy attempts to remove your clothes in a public setting, put his fingers in any of your crevices, or actually try to have sex with you in public, you should immediately betch slap him in the face and loudly discuss his small boner. There’s a line ladies, and it usually gets crossed with someone’s hand on your ass.
This is not to say that we haven't gotten blackout before and hooked up with a guy on every single square foot of a bar, outside the bar, and then in the elevator of our apartments. Shit happens, and you probably only remember kissing him once, even though your besties have tales of how you told them to get the fuck out of the booth because you want make out there.
But much like being late or spending 20 minutes in the bathroom when there’s a huge line out the door, PDA is only acceptable when you do it. It’s never okay to watch and is usually nauseating for even a semi-sober betch to encounter. Everyone knows that there’s nothing more vom inducing than encountering two ugly and/or fat people going at it like hippos in heat. It’s like watching the hot tub sex scenes on Jersey Shore: revolting but impossible to look away. Didn’t they get the memo that the fat on their bellies is a naturally selected enforcer for them to stay away from human contact?
Anyway, now that we’ve explored the romantic wonder that is the nighttime sloppy make out sesh, let’s delve into the worst thing ever: sober daytime displays of affection. It’s important to note that there is no acceptable excuse for having a public sober daytime hook up anywhere there are other humans present. Simply put, no one wants to see that. If you were that girl in high school who was making out with her boyfriend against the lockers after Bio you should know that there’s a 99% chance that everyone hates you. Save the physical activity for gym class – or wait, don’t.
So betches, much like sexting, the technology of today’s world ensures that your accidental hookup with an eighteen year old can and will be flip cammed and muploaded. The occasional public display of affection can be forgiven but a few too many and you may become your town’s Tom Cruise circa 2006. Bottom line, after a certain point it’s rude to not get a room. Go do that or at least find an empty public library.