September 6, 2011
It wouldn't be an understatement to claim that Facebook is both the greatest and worst invention to ever hit planet Earth. If you could clock the hours spent on this miserable website you probably could've successfully figured out a cure for cancer, and you barely passed high school biology.
Facebook is a double-edged sword but we really can't deny the potential for mass manipulation that comes with an account. From the pictures with your besties to your fav movies and music, ever since you made your profile, it has become the be-all end-all in how you want the world to see you.
So the question is, what is the betchiest way to use Facebook? Let's break it down.
Stalking: It used to be that being forced look at someone’s developed pictures from their vacation with their boyfriend was among the most boring activities in the world. Then came Picture Trail and the birth of digital photography. And now Facebook. Cut to last Monday at work and for some reason you literally have nothing better to do than look through your third cousin Julie's vaca pics from her Bahamas album. Half way through you catch yourself and think 'why the fuck do I care about this?’
Facebook stalking is dangerous. Choosing the right time and place is crucial. Every betch knows not to do this during class where there's always the potential that the guy behind you could know your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and would find it strange that you’re carefully stalking each of your mutual friends. Oh, and whoops there he sees his own profile on your computer…'kward.
Also, there are few more awkward moments than when someone you're barely friends with drunkenly reveals some personal information they know about you from clearly stalking your Facebook. I mean as betches, the rest of the world is obviously extremely curious of our whereabouts and outfits at all times, but it's super creepy when you tell me you loved the dress I wore to my uncle’s wedding in Minnesota back in June.
However, it is extremely fun to discover that girl you once thought was normal until you saw her Facebook and find out she's friends with seriously fat people and has daily inspirational quotes for statuses. "No matter how serious life gets, you gotta have that one person you can be completely stupid with." Etc.
Back-stalking: The only thing better than regular stalking. It’s looking at someone's pics backwards to see how fat they've gotten since high school. Or even more fun, back-stalking yourself. There's obviously no better reason to be up until 3 in the morning than being adderalled out and backstalking to June 2007's Spring Break pics.
Statuses: Ugh, what to say about the fucking stupid ass shit that pervades your news feed; the nice girl word vomit that invades your life in the form of Facebook statuses. The occasional location change is okay, like if you'll be in Vegas or the Hamptons for the weekend, or the two times a year you're permitted to post a link or comment that's like, legit funny. Oh and if you do it more than this you can’t sit with us. Not just you, like, any of us.
How Good is Your Facebook Game?: Facebook has made it a million times harder to get over an ex because you now have to be constantly reminded of what he's doing and with whom. But you can also do the same. Should you call someone out for something they've done on Facebook? It shows that you've seen it, which you know they know you have. But do you really want them to know?
Example of someone with no FB game: Eduardo Saverin’s psycho Asian GF.
"Likes": That tiny thumbs up sign says so much yet so little. But call it what it is, this is a betch's subtle form of attention-seeking, like making a positive statement and affirmation of friendship without having to put in the effort of forming a full thought to make a comment.
Would you ever like something someone did on Facebook if you didn't like the person associated with it? Exactly. It's your way of saying, see everyone, I have friends who care about my opinion and we have inside jokes and I'm on the inside, and even though this comment was neither written by me nor addressed to me, I totes get it.
But remember, be sparing with your likes and never like something you have written, unless it’s a total joke. There are few people who can get away with this without looking like a total loser.
Wall Posts: Wall posts say “we are real friends who keep in contact often and have things to talk about and here is one of our inside jokes you won’t understand. I could have just as easily texted you this comment, but I need the world to know how close we are.”
Also, is it really your birthday if it’s not up on Facebook? Think about it.
Pokes: Just...no. Poking is for fifth grade boys who tease girls they like for having cooties, and the nerdy kids who never leave their dorm except to go to class. Different demographics, similar sexual experience.
It’s undeniably irritating when your friend’s albums are set to only her friends. What the fuck is the point of looking like I’m having fun in these pictures if John can’t even see them. It is okay to ask her to change her settings only if she is your bestie.
There’s also the extreme anxiety that comes from 1) picking profile pics and 2) the decision to tag or untag.
Things to consider when making this decision: a) how hot/skinny do I look? b) Who am I pictured with?
Also, the minimum number of pictures you need to have tagged to ensure you’re not a social leper? Let’s say 200 for guys and like, 700 for girls.
It’s enough stress to make you want to pop a #10 Xanax.
Image and Privacy Settings: There’s always a tension between maintaining exclusivity and showing how cool you are, while making it hard for employers and your grandpa to stalk you. Try to err on the side of privacy.
The coolest people don't or "appear to not" use Facebook very often. It gives them a mystery and the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that betches strive for.
Hiding your pics or your wall is chill, but hide both? You’re up to something #55 shady.
You also shouldn’t “like” too many pages or join too many groups. Generally avoid the use of Facebook apps and if you do use them, don't tell anyone. There is nothing worse than the receptionist at your Dad’s office friending you and then constantly sending you notifications of how many cows she’s just unlocked on Farmville.
Relationship Statuses: To maintain the classy, gradual Facebook split is one of the hardest parts of breaking up. First you change your profile picture, then you discretely hide your relationship status. It’s only a matter of time before people are asking each other if you broke up. Remember to not be too antagonistic on Facebook, like obviously deleting shit. That’s fucked up.
Chat/messages: The fact that these two are merging as a result of the #68 iPhone switch is totally changing the #32 game forever. No longer do you need someone's pin. You merely need to have met them in a bar once three years ago or sat behind them in French in sixth grade to have an opportunity for them to flirt with you. Although, chat kinda sucks because by nature of how open it is, a lot of annoying people will inevitably chat you because you're popular so they would. 2000 of my closest friends are available to chat? Sry ct.
It’s undeniable that Facebook has changed everything. For instance, it will inevitably ruin high school reunions. Now, when I see you, balding with your two kids and wife who used to be skinny, it will be no surprise as I have already witnessed your relationship blossom from the first profile picture of the two of you together, all the way to your engagement party at The W. I even know about the cool diaper genie you got at your baby shower, despite the fact that I haven’t seen or talked to you since high school.
Remember, who you are on Facebook is who you are in life.
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