December 8, 2011
A betch fight (not to be confused with a #28 drunken betch brawl) can happen in numerous ways. Maybe your #85 roomie borrowed your crop top without asking, maybe your bestie drunkenly used your toothbrush and didn't tell you, or maybe you and your #38 frenemy are getting to the point where you can no longer pretend like each others' presence is only
Whatever the issue is, a fight has broken out and like an episode of Real Housewives or a presidential debate, the issues are on the table and shit is about to go down. TG, you were running out of things to talk about anyway.
Sometimes it’s hard to know how to #32 win when there’s trouble in
friendship paradise Pulco. With that we introduce to you the best way to manipulate your way through an actual sober altercation, aka how to fight like a betch.
Remaining calm: When your roomie attacks you, accusing you of doing something stupid like leaving the apartment unlocked when you went to the bars (What's she scared of someone stealing? Her hair extensions? We should be so lucky.), the betchiest thing to do is act like you don’t give a shit about what she's saying or that she's even mad. This is very easy to do, it's kind of like speaking to your mom.
The remaining calm phase’s bff is the #41 fake smile. Nothing will annoy someone more than the thought that you’re gaining amusement at their distress. This will then lead to them acting like an even crazier person, furthering your cause that you are the most normal betch in the room.
You can respond with something like “true” or “oops, my b!” This will usually get her really riled up. If this is your goal and you see that she’s getting really angry and on the brink of tears, your next line should always be “ok, chill.” Telling someone to chill is like giving them an express ticket to crazy town, it will drive her off the fucking deep end. She will most likely start screaming like a maniac, allowing you to enter the next phase of betch fighting.
Being extremely passive aggressive and condescending: We found it best to portray this phase with an example.
Look, I know you’ve been on edge lately because Adam broke up with you and I’m in a relationship and really happy, but listen, I’m totally here for you. Don’t be jealous of me, we’re just in different stages!
This will usually get this bitch so angry that she enters the next defensive mode of betch fighting.
Rallying the Troops: This consists of your opponent (and you obvi) texting all your mutual friends and exclusive friends about what a raging cunt you’re (she's) being. Often, you’re texting the same person at the same time.
This phase is especially exciting for the betch who gets all texts about the whole scandal, as she can laugh and feel free to fully enjoy the show without having to deal with any of the drama personally. If you’re this girl, it’s best not to piss off either side so you constantly get the latest gossip. Safe texts to both sides include: "ugh, what a bitch” or “that’s so like her…she would.”
In a direct confrontation, evade the question: Inevitably, your crazy bitch opponent will attack you and start accusing you of doing random things, like “I don’t understand why you would hook up with him when you knew I liked him” or something along those lines.
When knowingly wrong, bring up issues that have absolutely nothing to do with the argument in hopes of turning the conversation topic back to something that she did that was fucked up. “Well I don’t understand why you would think it's okay to wear leggings with that shirt!?” The besties will all nod in agreement. Those leggings were disgusting.
If all else fails, enter the fake apology: Like any great performance, all great fights must come to an end because they get so fucking boring. Since the silent treatment is for losers and people who don't have a deep enough appreciation for the sound of their own voice, we’re going to banish that from the Betch Fighting Manual.
Eventually you’ll need your bestie to pick you up from class or you’ll get tired of ignoring her in the living room. When this happens, you should say something like “I’m really sorry about the other day. There’s totally no excuse for how I acted.” You obviously don’t mean this but you’re a betch and you have better things to do with your time than deal with this person.
By giving yourself all the blame and adding in the ‘no excuse' part, you’re giving her no choice but to accept and shut the fuck up. If she chooses to continue being mad, everyone will think she’s a pathetic grudge holding attention-seeker.
So betches, if you find yourself in the middle of a betch brawl, heed our advice and you’ll always come out on top. Nothing says winning more than making the girl who thought it was okay to start shit with you rue the day she brought up any of your flaws. Fuck with a betch and you’ll get fucked with back…but harder.