How To: Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

By The Betches

First you have to make sure the police officer is male. If it's a woman, this isn't going to work, especially since you were just going 85 in a 55 in your Benz and you pulled over on the left side of the road. Two potential tickets, your license is practically dunzo.

If it's a woman, this is the only time in life when you'd hope to encounter a nice girl. But if it's a man, which it usually will be, here's how to manipulate and bullshit your way out of needing to tell your dad to take care of your speeding ticket.

Assess the officer. Try to feel out if this a lost cause, aka a female officer, or a guy with a mustache who looks at you like he was the axe murderer in The Lovely Bones. If it's any type of other guy, you want to put on your most sad, apologetic and beautiful face.

You can then go into one of the following:

 

friendsTake notes on how to flirt with an officer from Ross Geller

 

The Sad Story:

I'm going to pick my sister up from rehab, I haven't seen her in 4 months! She's all better now, she can't bear to be there one more second!

I'm rushing to get home, I'm sorry, I just found out my parents are getting a divorce/my boyfriend just broke up with me. You're right, I'm so out of it, I'm so sorry. A single tear, or big wet eyes are great for this option.

The Emergency:

My grandpa's in the hospital for a hernia!

The Period:

I am soo sorry, I just got my period, and it is coming out of me like, you don't even know... Then delve into 45 more seconds of detail about the viscosity of your flow and what size tampons you use. Where's the closest rest stop... and toilet paper... I just need like, a lotttt of toilet paper... Last ditch effort... Ohh the clotting!...

Do Not Say:

DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?

Do you know how soon the Oscars are on? I can't miss it!

My mom does charities for the police force! It's like a big deal, we're getting our PBA card in the mail soon.

Oops, should I write them a note?

If you encounter a lost cause officer: Just be quiet and try to act normal. These people are the #43 haters and they have a vendetta against perfect people who can't drive. Fucking with these people will get your fake ID taken away and lead to the discovery of the pot that's been in your passenger's seat pocket for two months.

 

First you have to make sure the police officer is male. If it's a woman, this isn't going to work, especially since you were just going 85 in a 55 in your Benz and you pulled over on the left side of the road. Two potential tickets, your license is practically dunzo.

If it's a woman, this is the only time in life when you'd hope to encounter a nice girl. But if it's a man, which it usually will be, here's how to manipulate and bullshit your way out of needing to tell your dad to take care of your speeding ticket.

Assess the officer. Try to feel out if this a lost cause, aka a female officer, or a guy with a mustache who looks at you like he was the axe murderer in The Lovely Bones. If it's any type of other guy, you want to put on your most sad, apologetic and beautiful face.

You can then go into one of the following:

 

friendsTake notes on how to flirt with an officer from Ross Geller

 

The Sad Story:

I'm going to pick my sister up from rehab, I haven't seen her in 4 months! She's all better now, she can't bear to be there one more second!

I'm rushing to get home, I'm sorry, I just found out my parents are getting a divorce/my boyfriend just broke up with me. You're right, I'm so out of it, I'm so sorry. A single tear, or big wet eyes are great for this option.

The Emergency:

My grandpa's in the hospital for a hernia!

The Period:

I am soo sorry, I just got my period, and it is coming out of me like, you don't even know... Then delve into 45 more seconds of detail about the viscosity of your flow and what size tampons you use. Where's the closest rest stop... and toilet paper... I just need like, a lotttt of toilet paper... Last ditch effort... Ohh the clotting!...

Do Not Say:

DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?

Do you know how soon the Oscars are on? I can't miss it!

My mom does charities for the police force! It's like a big deal, we're getting our PBA card in the mail soon.

Oops, should I write them a note?

If you encounter a lost cause officer: Just be quiet and try to act normal. These people are the #43 haters and they have a vendetta against perfect people who can't drive. Fucking with these people will get your fake ID taken away and lead to the discovery of the pot that's been in your passenger's seat pocket for two months.

 

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