January 17, 2012
Betches, you all know him. He’s the guy you have a 30-70% chance of hearing from on any given night, the guy who haunts your nightmares, the guy who’s only ‘kind of an asshole’, and yet strangely, the guy who lingers in and around your life like a fucking dementor.
Now, we’ve all heard Katy Perry’s song about The One That Got Away and girls, if only it were that easy. Although as a hot betch there will always be a string of guys coming and going from your life, all hoping to get their chance with you, there always remains that one guy who's 'different.'
You all know that guy who has managed to stay in your life for like, longer than two years. That guy that you keep hooking up with yet you’ve never been in a serious relationship? That guy whom you’ve convinced yourself you have a ‘special connection’ with? That guy who never does something so douchey that you’d cut him off forever but steadily maintains that just-under-the-radar standoff assholishness? Yup, news flash: you’re obsessed with the one who Won’t Go Away (WGA).
Yeah, him. The WGA fucking sucks but in an a weirdly intangible and inexplicable way. It’s kind of like trying to pinpoint one of the bullshit spices/fruits those pretentious connoisseurs claim exists in wine or understand why you don’t give a shit about anyone else’s problems. For some messed up reason, there’s a part of you that’s always drawn to him. Sure you tell him that you’re busy and try to maintain an aura of not caring, yet he always seems to hold a certain place in your heart…well he would, anyway, if you had one.
You could easily get over this guy if he would just leave you the fuck alone, but why would he? He’s made a point of sticking himself so firmly in your life that getting rid of him is harder than the diamonds on your Cartier watch.
If you casually mention him to your friends they’ll wonder why you’re still even thinking about this loser who has somehow managed to keep you intrigued for so long.
Well betches, we’re taking a stand against these bros who think they can keep betches on their roll calls while never actually making any serious moves. It’s time to move on. So the question is, how is it done?
We’re going to let you in on a little secret. The key to making a guy want to com sui is to ignore the shit out of him. Stop answering. Morning, night, mid-fucking day. Whatever time you receive that seemingly innocent annoying ass ‘hey what’s up’ text, it’s time to just throw your phone back in your bag and forget about it because a betch’s motto is: you snooze, you fucking lose. This bro has been given ample time to make his move and lock you down. Therefore we must conclude that either he’s just not that into you or has commitment mommy issues. Either way, it’s not your problem.
The key to effectively ignoring this guy is the realization and internalization that the 'connection' you feel is really just a very special kind of mind game exuded by a very special and very sad kind of player. He knows what he's doing, and what you're doing for that matter. Yes. He's completely aware that you take 5 minutes longer to respond back than he took to answer you. And yes, he knows if you wait less you're eager to speak to him. You guys have been doing this dance for a while and it's finally time to get the fuck off the dance floor.
So the next time you’re tempted to reply to a text with an aloof yet somewhat descriptive, ‘just getting ready to go out, u?" remember that this guy thinks he’s two steps ahead of you. Be three steps ahead of him and repeat the mantra that the one who WGA has G2G.