November 23, 2011
…as in, barely at all.
So tomorrow is Thanksgiving but like we’ve previously stated, betches really only give thanks on Father’s Day.
Many may argue that Thanksgiving is actually the least betchy holiday, and we admit, they have a point. You don’t get any presents on Thanksgiving, there’s a huge fucking meal that you have to pretend to eat, and the day is filled with extremely unbetchy things like parades, football, and extended family asking you what you're going to do with your life.
However, for people in college, Thanksgiving has one redeeming betch factor: Thanksgiving Eve. Thanksgiving Eve is the perfect time to come home from college, get blackout with your high school besties, and happily observe how fat and pale your ex-boyfriend from high school got. Lay off the dark meat, Jason. Also, like our Puritan ancestors escaping
religious prosecution work, we usually approach our dads peacefully (the new Native Americans, if you will) by having dinner with them before breaking down their finances and forcing them on a trail west south to retirement in Florida. A betch is often disappointed, similarly to the Pilgrims, when we come home for Tgivs searching for gold and all we get is fucking corn.
Let’s talk about the meal and how you can use it for what it’s intended for: asking for shit. Thanksgiving is like that one mandatory huge family meal you have a year that you can use to your benefit, like bringing up all the things you want for the holidays early and showing your family you're not actually anorexic by picking at the asparagus on your plate, hold the hollandaise.
[Here's a fun game to betch-up your Thanksgiving dinner: Speak only in betch numbers with your sister and/or cousins and see which family member goes insane first. ie. Omg I hate white meat, that turkey needs to go #27. Fuck it, I'm on a #5, pass the green beans. Omg Aunt Sue, I can't wait to tell you how good I've been with #8'ing. Where the fuck is the #54!?!]
We can't forget to mention the Macy’s parade. Vom. Parades are for tourists who wished they lived in New York and the homeless who live in the parade route. If I wanted to see oversized depictions of fat cartoon characters floating around I would’ve just stayed at the library with some nice girls.
Black Friday has to be the least betchy part of this whole Thanksgiving Weekend fiasco. If you’re a true betch, you’re just now discovering that this shitshow for poor people actually exists. At first when someone told us there was a day called Black Friday, we thought, wow, that’s really racist. Then someone explained what it was and we were like wow, that’s still really racist. Betches are really anti-racism...we’re thinking about writing a letter to Congress to change the name to Taylor Armstrong Friday.
It goes without saying that shopping on Black Friday is NOT betchy. Betches don’t like to be crowded while shopping, and we DGAF that there’s 75% off sale on a new bread-maker or flat screen TV. 99% off is for the 99%, fucking duh. Waking up early is for poor people. Crowds are for poor people. Discounts are for poor people. That’s like fucking Elitism 101.
So, in order to revamp Tgivs to make it much betchier, we propose you betches sneak out early from your boring family meals (where your dad reminds you that you should be looking for a job and your sisters marvel at how you’re still skinny even after college), in order to celebrate a new and better holiday. Betchgiving.
On Betchgiving you give thanks for your amazing looks and that everyone is really jealous of you. The Betchgiving feast consists of Adderall and vodka, and everyone around the table goes around and says one girl they’d really like to #1 talk shit about tonight. Oh, and just like the President saves a turkey on Tgivs, to show how we also like to give back, the Head Betches will spare one nice girl on Betchgiving. This year we've spared Taylor Swift, but then she started talking shit about Jake Gyllenhaal, so she's right back to the chopping block.