July 5, 2011
“I don’t understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of.” – Charlie Sheen
Although betches don’t necessarily idolize Charlie Sheen, we’re extremely impressed by his ability to say whatever the fuck he wants and not care what anyone thinks. Just like Charlie, this would be our first instinct in response to someone complaining that we only care about ourselves and are insensitive to others’ issues. We really admire him for having the balls to not pretend like he gives a shit about anyone. He’s also our favorite member of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club.
Unfortunately, betches don’t get to share their insensitivity with the entire nation like Charlie does, although we would appreciate the ability to have the media hanging on our every word. We’re jealous betches.
It’s not that betches don’t care about the world, we just care about other shit first. We’re deeply sensitive about the earthquake in Japan, as long as we don’t have to discuss it until after the final rose is handed out on The Bachelor.
Our insensitivity is pretty much reserved for the annoying and insignificant complaints of fellow betches. There’s nothing worse than listening to other people’s issues, especially ones that are clearly not important to you, not in your control, and/or not worth your valuable time.
Aww, sorry you got a bad grade on your test! It’s not my fault you’re against taking Adderall, bitch.
I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you for the third time this week… do I look like your fucking therapist? I would love to help you figure out the exact moment when your relationship fell apart, but I’m too busy living my life.
You can’t find your passport and our plane’s leaving in an hour? Thank God! I was wondering how I was gonna get out of rooming with you on Spring Break!
This lack of sensitivity is actually empowering and allows us to be more powerful women in society. Who wants the CEO of their company crying over some measly lawsuit? We totally understand why people don’t want a woman president! No one wants to watch the State of the Union and see some dumb bitch crying over the deficit. Unfortunately we didn’t catch that this year, we had to hit up happy hour that day because it interfered with our usual primetime shows.
When a betch’s bitching is getting to you, just take a deep breath and recite the betch mantra: YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT MY PROBLEM. Next time you see the girl in your English class crying because she doesn’t like the other girls in your group project, your first instinct should be to giggle, rather than console.
The only time it’s considered acceptable for a betch to cry is when she’s wasted, and still, this is restricted to private spaces ONLY. So when you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on, the last one you should look for is that of a fellow betch. We’re pretty sure Stalin’s besties weren’t complaining to him about how their army uniform didn’t go with their
purse gun satchel. Even back then they knew not to waste the precious time of people who matter.
If we wanted to give a shit about anyone besides ourselves, we’d get knocked up. At least that person would share our DNA.