July 5, 2011
Right now, betches all across the land are anxiously awaiting tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore. We’re SOOOO excited to get our weekly fix of important world news such as: How many times will Ronnie cry? How much weight has Deena gained since last week? Will the cabs come?
Jersey Shore, or JShore, as many betches call it, epitomizes a love-hate relationship for us, kind of like being dependent on your daddy for money. Yeah, we all fucking LOVE it and can’t live without it, but really, how long am I gonna milk this thing for?
We love Jersey Shore because it gives us a free pass, if you will, to excuse our own behavior. Yeah, I go out six nights a week, never go to class, and wake up after noon every day, but at least my grandma doesn’t have to watch guys on television talking about how I love to give rim jobs! (P.S. betches don’t.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a lot in common with them! We all love to tan, get black out drunk, and are attention whores. Jersey Shore represents the worst possible version of ourselves… in the best possible way. We’re convinced the cast was compiled by finding the craziest #7 BSCB in various friend groups of Italian-American betches and bros from the tri-state area.
JShore provides us with many forms of entertainment other than the show itself. Mostly, it’s a great reason to start drinking before 10pm on Thursdays and provides an interactive pregame “situation.” (Hahaha PUN-NYYYY!!!)
For all you betches who haven’t done a Jersey Shore pregame, here are the rules we like to play with. Normally, in a game like this one, the moments one chooses to take a shot would be rare, but since we’re trying to get obliterated (in a classy way, of course), we choose to pick moments that happen as often as possible. Did you just hear someone say juicehead? I don’t know… let’s take a shot anyway!!
1. someone uses the words grenade, land mine, juice head, GTL: 1 shot per word 2. someone falls on their ass: 1 shot, 2 shots if it’s Deena 3. smushing: 2 shots if it happens, 1 shot if discussed 4. cast member vomits: tequila shot 5. Any time you see Ronnie’s fucking retarded commercial for Xenadrine, drink an entire bottle of wine to the face
We’ll leave you with some words of wisdom just in case your night turns sour. Compliments of J-Woww to Snooki in Season 1, from one psycho betch to another: “feel better, eat some food (don’t actually do this), drink heavily.” Pregame hard, betches!!!
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing