October 14, 2011
After watching the thought provoking and completely necessary four hour special on Kim Kardashian's wedding, we found it was due time that the Kardashian family make it on The Betch List. We’d give them Betch of the Week but they’re so betchy all year round that they deserve a number.
Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim and Khloe Take New York, Khloe and Lamar, blah blah blah are all great shows with amazing life lessons to be learned in every episode. It's like 7th Heaven but with more black people. Also, the only lesson they learn at the end of an episode is that one of them needs another cheek implant.
The Kardashians are like American royalty. I mean, on the one hand their fame and wealth is a testament to one of the most ridiculous phenomena in global history. Like they're insanely famous but no one knows the fuck why and they essentially do no work and just act like psychopaths for American amusement. It's like Ryan Seacrest created them in a crystal meth lab gone haywire that instead created the betchiest empire in existence.
Kim is the betchiest of them all because she’s actually pretty and makes the most money. She's also insanely self centered and and just looking at her makes you want to be her even if you're not sure why. Our only explanation as to why she’s marrying an ogre is because her mom pushed her into a corner with a knife to her neck threatening her that if she doesn’t marry a man whose name starts with a K she will take all of her money for another neck lift. Yup Kris, that one worked.
We used to have mixed feelings about Khloe but like after she balled out Kaveman Kris we totally had a new respect for her. She loves being a bitch, and that’s so betchy. She’s fucking hysterical, except when she uses that stupid ass baby voice. Like stop talking to Lamar like he’s one year old, he’s a giant black man. Oh and it’s sooo unlike us to have any feelings, but she’s totally not that fat. She’s just big boned! Lol.
Kourtney’s like this little monotone nugget with a baby that looks like it’s her brother’s. We love that she’s with the douchiest douche in Hollywood, but it’s not winning that she’s not married to him. No but seriously, we love Scott now. Who ACTUALLY says “suck me dry beautiful” to the mother of his child. His pastels and sweater vests are the reason we get up in the morning.
Then there’s the mother, Kris, running the show, like the fucking Wizard of Oz behind his fugly curtain. Kris acts like she's an idiot but she actually might be the smartest most exploitative businesswoman in the entire world. While most women would have extreme embarrassment at their daughter's sex tape and hide in their house for years to come, only Kris Jenner knows how to turn a sex scandal into the most lucrative franchise in reality TV history. Like you've managed to turn all your talentless children into rich, famous entrepreneurs and "fashion designers". Where do we sign up to marry Rob?
And finally, the wedding. Kim, your dresses were sick, your emotional break down was nauseating, and your wedding planner looks like Laverne or Shirley.