April 25, 2012
As friendships go, most betches have an array of besties. From ones they've known since they were two years old, to those they met in college, to the ones they sit next to at work, any betch with a good enough personality has her choice of girls to hang out with.
But let's talk about the friendship that works like a revolving door. One day she's in, recapping every detail of your last hookup with you after waking up hungover barely clothed on some bros couch. Then all of the sudden you turn around and this bitch is gone. It's like one day you were raging and the next she disappeared faster than Fiona Gallagher's virginity. Suddenly she's in a relationship and the girl you thought was a pretty good friend suddenly reveals her true self. Ah, another day, another Limbo Bitch.
The LB is pretty self explanatory. We're not talking about the girl who loves playing that nice girl game while sipping Virgin Pina Coladas at Hawaiian luaus. Nor are we referring to the place betches probably chill in right before they enter hell. No, she's the girl who has a lot of friends when she's single but when she gets a boyfriend she disappears off the fucking planet. Then when her relationship ends she tries to make like she never even left and starts partying even harder than the rest of you. Unlike her close cousin, the UGH, the Limbo bitch has not necessarily become more lame, she just does these activities exclusively with her boyfriend and stops hanging out with her friends.
Sometimes the LB is hard to spot. Unless she has already had at least two boyfriends, it's hard to decipher if she is only hanging out with you to pass the time while she looks for her next one true love. It's a cycle. She has friends, gets a boyfriend and has no friends, then breaks up with her boyfriend and goes back to her friends, then gets into another relationship and ditches everyone yet again. Shit gets confusing when your friendship with someone is dependent upon the frequency at which they're getting fucked.
Now, if you don't really give a shit about this friend it's usually like, whatever. You feel no obligation to give a shit that she leaves because you were never that tight to begin with. Therefore you often welcome her as another bitch to party with when she's single. Her return will often be preempted by an outreach to 'grab dinner and catch up!' It's kind of like if your mother got remarried and abandoned your family, only to return after many years bearing alcohol and breakup stories. If you're a more astute bitch, her fake presence is usually irritating, and you resent her using you for your popularity and inner circle. Like, if I wanted to babysit a pathetic single girl obsessed with finding a boyfriend I'd watch a fucking Katherine Heigl movie.
So whether you love or hate the LB, it's important to remember that in the long run you shouldn't give a shit. This girl's pathetic need for the love of a bro strips her of betch status and makes her merely one pawn in your large circle of besties. When she's in limbo between boyfriends, don't feel resentful about welcoming her back to your group, rather just relegate her to standing during pregames. Everyone knows the couch is for veteran besties. Much like the religious form of Limbo, this bitch knows she's on probation. If you only just realized that you're the LB, well then just remember: it only takes one slip up, like forgetting to bring chasers, to get demoted to the seventh circle of bestie hell: Friday nights baking cupcakes with your housekeeper and the girls who eat their feelings.