95. Little Dogs

By The Betches

Sometimes life gets out of control and there’s no one in the world we can turn to. Enter the little dog. For betches, little dogs are like an animal version of our #52 GBFFs. They always have our backs, fuck with our enemies for us, and understand the importance of being treated like a princess.

Besides, it’s hard to #1 talk shit about your besties to your besties, and sometimes a betch needs the therapeutic silence of their little munchkin muffin pie cutie face. Isn’t that right Peanut?


mickey rourkeMickey Rourke, what a betch.


Peanut always agrees.

Having a little dog gives betches a chance to create someone just like ourselves (betchy, fashionably dressed), without the weight gain inherent in childbirth.

Some people may say little dogs are disgusting. This is sometimes true. However, more often than not, the people who say this are fugly. So haters, when it comes down to it, you’re just someone who hates little innocent dogs and you have to live with the fact that it is less appealing to hang out with you than my “disgusting” dog.

We like any kind of dog that’s bred to be miniature. It’s like a designer bag, but still alive. You know your dog is betchy if you can bring it to a fancy brunch. Everyone knows a betchy dog is automatically classier than a poor person.

I mean, who would you rather be? A Walmart employee on food stamps, or Lisa Vanderpump's pomeranian?

Betches don’t have mutts or golden fucking retrievers. You think we want a family friendly dog? Uh, no. Betches want a dog who will be as unfriendly and give off as much of a fuck off vibe as we do. And ew, everyone knows cats are for smelly nice girls.

We know Paris Hilton had a Chihuahua, but she, and Elle Woods of course, are the only two who can pull this off without looking a girl who is trying too hard to look like a betch. The only thing a Chihuahua will get you is grossed out looks from your friends and maybe a free burrito from Taco Bell.

So betches, appreciate the one friend of yours who can literally bark at anyone who fucks with them. And remember, betches love bitches.



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