Mad Men Recap: Who Blacked Out Hardest?

By The Betches

Being avid followers of Mad Men, it's obvious that this show and Betches are made for each other. It's an hour of sex, drinking, drugs, manipulation, all played out with really witty lines�it's the Jersey Shore of the '60s but like, with less STDs, and really witty lines. It should come as no surprise that we're really happy to recap it for you.

We'll first admit that we always find ourselves a bit lost in the beginning of the season because they don't say how much time has passed or what's going on. It forces us to like, think! We're happy to see Peggy didn't get fat and Pete's settled in Greenwich, but what else is new? Is Peggy getting a ring on it? Which country clubs is Pete on the waiting list for? Is Betty still living the geriatric dream? Did Sally give it up to Glen yet?

But while Mad Men keeps us guessing, the one thing you can count on is that everyone will be wasted. A show this good deserves more than a standard recap, and since you can be sure at least 3 characters will get really blackout and do something stupid every week, we're going to rank them based on party fouls. We introduce The Betches' Mad Men Blackout Meter.


mad men meter


Sober Sally: We respect Sally for being sober seeing as she is only 12, however she makes it onto the weekly list because she a) got drunk that one time in Don's office and that other time she made him pancakes with rum and b) is on the verge of her teenage years, she'll be fucking at the drive-in any day now.

[Side Note about Bobby: He doesn't get ranked but why do they think it's okay to casually change the actor whenever they want? First it was some kid, then the kid from Once Upon A Time, and now MJ from Desperate Housewives. Let me guess, it's supposed to mean that he's interchangeable because Don and Betty don't give 2 shits about their son, foreshadowing the inevitable moment in season 7 when he turns out a failure and Betty walks in on him tripping balls to Jefferson Airplane. It'll be White Rabbit.]

Pissy Peggy: The Peggster wasn't at her drunkest, most obviously because she didn't get pregnant after this season premiere. But she did have quite the slip up. Listen Peg, leave your activist boyfriend at home to #2 keep up with the news, maybe you'll feel less pressure to make awkward convo about work with Don. You know him well, the only thing he hates more than parties is you when you fucking whine.

Still, we give Peggy props for clearly being an early morning drinker. We're certain of this due to her work attire. She's not only an outfit repeater, but she chose to repeat the outfit where she looks like a little Catholic school lesbian.


joan and roger"He has my alcoholism"


Joan: Joanie doesn't get drunk too often, not because she doesn't drink, but because she's a tank. And we don't mean this metaphorically, she looks like a fucking Ironclad fembot. She's been quite the UGH lately, mostly because her homo boyfriend is at war to avoid raising their kid. We also notice she's not wearing her pen necklace anymore, though we doubt this means she's off the coke. She probs just doesn't want her #135 party foul to find it in a spot so dangerously close to where she breastfeeds.

Pete Campbell: Pete resembles a young Hitler but like, if Hitler was funny. Despite usually being sober, you can always count on Pete to do dumb shit like buy Trudy a gay pride flag to wear as lingerie, squirm like an awkward little boy when he sees Peggy with a child, and nose plant into walls.

Pervy Pryce: If Mad Men is the Jersey Shore of the '60s then Lane is the Situation. He's mad creepy and does weird shit whether he's drunk or sober. He may be married to Miss Honey but he creepily keeps a picture of some girl in his wallet. That's some Dateline kinda shit.

Drunky Draper: In the beginning of the episode it seemed as though he's become nicer and happier, something Peggy is clearly not too thrilled about. Either way we knew it wouldn't last for very long because as we could have guessed, he got realllll fucked up during his party and was a huge asshole to Megan.

We don't know what it is about Megan, maybe it's her hair or her gapped teeth but she reminds him of a broom. And it totally didn't help the image when she was cleaning in her underwear. But we digress - Don was wasted. We don't blame him, his Swiffer planned him a surprise party with people he doesn't like very much, and then acted a fool in front of those very people. Megan made this quite the event, but why wasn't Don's favorite DJ Avicii invited? I mean, Alex Mack was.


zou bisouZou Bizarre


Mouthy Megan: Come on Meg, you never throw a surprise party for a guy who hates surprise parties. The only thing she accomplished was sending Dirty Harry home early to masturbate. You could tell Meg was fundamentally questioning Don after learning he prefers to get blackout in an anticipated setting. Her inability to grasp this about him tells us her relationship with Don is mostly sexual, as her 'cleaning the living room in lingerie' act suggests. However we believe he really does love her, and we don't think Roget's horrible marriage with Jane is necessarily foreshadowing the same because Don is hot, and Roget looks like Betty White.

Regardless of her party-throwing party foul, she seemed to win back her points by manipulating Don so hard the next day with sex and hitting him where it hurts - his age. Not sure she can keep it up for much longer though, there's only so far that jail cell of a mouth can go.

Rehab Roget: Roget is casually the biggest betch on this show for so many reasons we need to list them separately.- He never knows what's going on, unless it involves bribing clients with alcohol.- He never does any work ever. He had one account and lost it, and it was a cigarette company. Yet he refuses to give up his humongous office in which he does nothing.- He's always preoccupied with his own escapades like paying Don's secretary for more attention, or as Sober Pete calls it, "molesting."- He carries around $1100 in cash for payroll and emergency abortions.- Always #108 late- Always #42 dressed like a slut. Alcohol sweats this serious can't be encumbered by a jacket.- Calls his waiters garcon, like a true #3 abroad betch- He makes Don's birthday about him by first ruining the surprise, and then making a toast about how Don's wife is hot.

Blackout Betty: Pregamed too hard, missed the party.





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