New Year’s day is right around the corner and we can always count on two things happening:
1. A debilitating hangover that will put you off drinking for at LEAST a week (read: 3 days)
2. A moment of sheer panic as you realize you haven’t settled on a single resolution to lie to your friends/family/coworkers about
I’m going to come out and say what we all know to be true: New Year’s resolutions are bullshit. We’re just adding a bunch of pomp and circumstance to a promise that, realistically, we’re going to give up on two weeks into 2016 when you realize winter fucking sucks and mashed potatoes are the only thing that make it marginally better.
News flash: you can start a diet any day of the year. You can start working out any day of the year. You can stop being a piece of shit any day of the year. You don’t have to wait until you’re lying on your couch wrapped around a bottle of Pedialyte to make the momentous declaration that this is the day you get your life together. Sure, the idea of a “fresh start” is inspiring, but it doesn’t guarantee longevity. If anything, all the societal pressure to suddenly start caring about yourself sets you up for failure from the start.
That being said, we here at Betches are all about bettering ourselves (or at least tricking other into people into thinking we are), so if you’re going to lie to everyone you might as well do it right. Here are the resolutions that you should actually be making, because no one believes that your new gym membership will get any use past February.
There’s more to getting in shape then dragging your lazy ass to a Barre class a few times a month. That Thai takeout you order three times a week is doing you zero favors, so give your budget and your thighs a break by trying to cook your own meals every once in a while. I know, easier said than done. Don’t worry baby birds, I’ll take care of you.
In case you haven’t noticed, we post some pretty bomb and virtually foolproof recipes on here frequently. If that’s not enough to get you started, remember that literally the entire Internet is at your disposal. Nothing makes you feel more adult than putting together a meal that not only tastes good but also won’t kill you. Plus, cooking your own food gives you the power to control exactly what you’re eating and puts your entire diet into a new perspective.
We will never tell you to drink less. Most likely, we’ll tell you to drink more because we’re terrible influences and alcohol is literally a pillar of this site. But let 2016 be the year that you say goodbye to shitty alcohol, or at least visit it far less often than you currently do.
You know what’s crazy about vodka that costs more than $8? It doesn’t (always) make you want to die the next morning. If you’re above the age of 22 you should not be drinking any liquor that comes out of a plastic bottle. This is not a suggestion; it is a rule to live by. Love yourself and put the Burnett’s down. It’s time.
You’re probably reading this and thinking “but wait, I am literally all I think about 24/7, how is this a resolution?” We feel you, but there is, in fact, a difference between thinking about yourself and putting yourself first. In 2016, don’t let other people make decisions for you and definitely don’t feel obligated to do things that you hate. Make your voice heard, and feel free to say no when you want to say no. You is kind, you is smart, you is important, and you should not be taking shit from anyone.
If you are still confused by this revolutionary train of thought, see the video below for reference:
This one is vague and could apply to just about anything because I used to write horoscopes and old habits die-hard. However, in this case I am specifically referring to your love life. Think back on all the idiots that you subjected yourself to over the past year. The guys you ghosted but text when you’re drunk, the ones who ghosted on you that you cry about when you’re drunk, and the ones whose number you deleted every Monday and yet still called every Friday when you were drunk. There might be a theme there, but I’m not your therapist so I’m not going to say anything.
The list is endless and painful to recount, but make it anyway. You’ll know you did it right if you have the sudden, irresistible urge to open a bottle of wine. If you’re going to make one fresh start this year let it be with your relationships. There is a reason none of those worked out and the fact that it’s now 2016 won’t suddenly change anything. It is, in fact, too late to say sorry. Bundle all the mistakes/regrets/assholes up and throw them in a fire. Literally or figuratively, your call. I’m not going to make all your decisions for you.