July 5, 2011
It’s common knowledge that betches are always really busy. Between blacking out and #29 beauty days we really only have time for two or three hours of conscious thought each day. Now, some nice girls and our parents might point out that this would be a great time to do productive things, like our school work and job hunting. Yeah fucking right.
Any true betch knows that being gorgeous and having a great personality has redeemed us from having to deal with anything the masses have to do, like waiting on line at #20 clubs or having a long-lasting career. The last thing a betch has time for is fucking homework. Homework is for ugly people. As a queen betch, you’ll have many options for getting out of this nice girl chore.
1) Call the #33 nice guy who wants to fuck you
It’s not that we want to take advantage of people that are in love with us, but when you’re so desired, it's almost harder not to. Matt is obviously dying to win my approval somehow. What better way to give him the opportunity than allowing him to do my statistics problem set?
2) Call the nice girl who’s dying to be your bestie
Kind of like calling the nice guy, only you don’t have to feel guilty about the fact that you’re not going to fuck this person, no matter how many essays they write and edit for you. This girl knows you’re the shit and is practically begging to be your bitch. And hey, even betches know that a huge effort should be rewarded. It only takes about three weeks worth of class notes to get Jane an invite to your next #23 pregame.
3) Manipulate your professor
This usually works best when your professor or TA is a guy and not some fugly hag who’s out to make sure things are “fair” for everyone. If we wanted to live in a just world, we would pay attention to politics and shit. Get an extension until next week when you’re not recovering from last night’s drinking shit show or if you’re a true betch, you can probably get out of doing it altogether.
If none of the above options work, you can try popping an adderall (great excuse to not eat!), or paying an Asian to do it for you. Doing work is boring and distracts us from our true priorities like #27 tanning, drinking, and manipulating others. Don’t sweat things like grades and extracurricular activities. Doing so will turn you into the old maid office betch, or worse, someone who has intellectual conversations.