Obetchuary of the Week: Whitney Houston

By The Betches

It's rarely puzzling when a celebrity who's been to rehab 3 times, you know, dies. But we were as shocked as the next betch when we heard the tragic news about Whitney Houston. All of the sudden our Twitter feed was blowing up with cliches like "I will always love you, Whitney" and "How will I know who she wanted to dance with?" Even #24 insensitive betches got so emotional baby.

Honestly where do we begin? We will always fucking love her and everyone else will too. Her death is the kind of thing people actually give a shit about, like the last time anyone was this interested in tweeted so much about someone dying was Michael Jackson. Osama bin Laden can't touch this (I didn't see anyone sharing YOUR youtube videos on Facebook!!). Apparently the criteria for CNN to interrupt scheduled programing when you die is a decades long drug problem and a lot of Grammys.

whitney houstonShe even celebrated Crop Top Tuesday

[Note about the Grammys. We can't wait to see the tribute they make for her, though we feel sorry for whoever had to work on that on such short notice, on a weekend no less! We love Whit but like, it's Blackout Saturday, relax.]


So let's talk about the life and times of Whitney. She defined superstar, she won the most awards of any female artist of all time and like, if a singer doesn't name her as an influence there's no chance they'll be taken seriously. Celine, Mariah, Xtina, Britney, JHud, Gaga, Jsimp have all named her, even angry betch Pink!

Whitney's been an epic BSCB for years, we know because our moms were really upset too. Like any true betch, Whitney's preached not giving a shit about anyone but yourself and possibly some small children. "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." Don't we fucking know it...and apparently she did too with her four diverse albums named after her one true love. Whitney Houston, Whitney, Just Whitney, and Whitney: The Greatest Hits....wait, Whitney who??

Whitney also comes from the Lucky Sperm Club of music. Her cousin was Dionne Warwick and her godmother was Aretha Franklin. It was basically written in her genetic code that she would be an exploited fucked up pop star by age 25.

whitney houstonnow that's narcissism

We will also say that she was extremely talented and that's like a 1 in 10 kinda thing for celebs. Whit was casually in movies with REAL actors like Denzel and Kevin Costner and more that you can google if you care (We'll forgive you for that ridiculous role you had in the multicultural Cinderella with Brandy and Jason Alexander). Our point is that we can't think of any other singers who have pulled this off aside from Madonna in Evita and still, that was one time! See: Mariah Carey (Glitter), Britney Spears (Crossroads), Kelly Clarkson (Academy Award Winner From Justin to Kelly).


Honestly the only thing we can fault Whitney for is the shady fact that she was a producer of the Princess Diaries AND its sequel. We kid you not. We don't want to blame her for making Anne Hathaway happen but... We understand she was probably too fucked up to make decisions but like of all things WHY. It's not right and it's not fucking okay. However she did sing for Diet Coke commercials in the 80s so she's redeemed.

Anyway one last thing that's impressive is that she managed to live kind of long compared to other legendary tragedy cases like Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Marilyn Monroe, etc. So like, good for you Whit. And we're honestly really sad about this, so on top of all her achievements she made us feel something besides the heat with somebody.





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