I’ve been in the presence of greatness before, I mean, obviously I look at myself in the mirror every day. And once I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Seigel and talked her out of buying a heinous sweater. Whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.
Anyway. Last night, after a few mishaps (turns out I actually bought tickets for the show in Dallas, and it’s like who the fuck goes to Dallas? That being said, if you’re in Dallas, I’m selling tickets so yeah.) I finally was able to watch the goddess and former Betch of the Week, Amy Schumer, perform live. There were some other people there too, but okay yeah.
Let me give you some quick highlights because obviously I can’t tell you about the whole show- a) because I was hammered & b) because you have to go see it, and I only spoil endings on recaps for stupid shows like PLL. Not Amy. I won’t ruin Amy for you.
The Oddball Comedy Festival, put on by the baes of Funny or Die, was fucking stacked. Jeff Ross, that one fat dude who looks like every uncle in the world combined and is only famous for being on roasts, was the host for the evening. He started by roasting people in the audience because those bitches had it coming.
TJ Miller performed next, who was undoubtedly blazed. If you haven’t watched Silicon Valley please pull your head out of your bleached asshole and do it. He’s hilarious.
Then came some black guy, named Donnell? idk. He was pretty funny though. Honestly, I was in line for beer for a part of his set, so whatever.
Anthony Jeselnik came on afterwards, and was like super offensive, which is why I’m now his newest #1 fan. Seriously though, he looks like the Nazi guy from the Sound of Music and like he’s about to start singing “16 going on 17” at any moment. But again, hilarious.
Bridget Everett came on next and sexually violated everyone in the crowd for 30 minutes. She sang a Miley song, showed us her tits and literally called someone a “downsie.” The woman is like, super comfortable with her body, let me say that. But I did actually enjoy her because making men in the crowd that uncomfortable is a fucking talent.
Sebastian Maniscalco was next, and he’s basically a less hot, slightly funnier version of Pauly D. He said a few funny things, but like, my drunk really kicked in high gear at that point so idk any specifics. There was lots of movement, I can tell you that. That Sebastian, he’s a mover.
JOHN FUCKING MULANEY. JOHN FUCKING MULANEY WAS NEXT.
How do I even describe how fucking hilarious John Mulaney was? The dude next to me like seriously only came to watch him, and I totally get it. I mean, kind of. The guy next to me literally turned to me and said “JOHN MULANEY IS THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN BEING TO EVER BE BORN” and that’s a) a little extreme and b) a title only reserved for Tina Fey, you ignorant slut. John Mulaney, beware, there is a man in San Francisco, CA who pretty much wants to cut off your skin and wear it to his birthday party.
I was crying, like actually real tears. If you have any brain cells whatsoever, you need to watch John Mulaney stand-up right now. My cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling, highlighting how little they are utilized in the real world because of my ever-present resting bitch face.
Amy Schumer was next. I have been waiting for this moment all my life (insert Phil Collin’s song here) and it did not disappoint. You know how Amy has one of those faces where she is like really hot one minute and then kind of troll looking the next? Yeah, she’s hot. Case closed. Bring in the dancing lobsters.
Her stand-up was fantastic and was full of all the sex jokes you could ever possibly need. She harassed a woman in the crowd for not liking cum and the woman was like a 65-year old Indian woman, making it even funnier and all the more realistic. Obviously she chugged wine on stage, because why the fuck not? It’s Amy Schumer’s world, and we’re just living in it.
Last, the main headliner of the night was Aziz Ansari. I held back the urge to yell “treat yo’ self two thousand ‘leven” and listened to him ramble on about how he is essentially the shittiest Muslim ever. He was pretty fucking hilarious, I must say. His stand-up is a little too goofy and sound-effecty for my taste, but whatever. I just like people who say the F word a lot and talk about sex and drinking, sue me.
Overall, how would I rate this experience? It was fucking DOPE. And hilarious. My tickets were a little expensive because TREAT YO’SELF TWO THOUSAND ‘LEVEN and idk, I’m not poor so I bought good tickets. But even povos could go and sit on the lawn. If you haven’t bought tickets, you fucking should. And hey, if you’re in Dallas- sorry about the fact your life sucks, want Amy Schumer tickets?