January 16, 2012
Considering a betch's standard morning usually begins with a more thorough investigation of just how she wound up in her bed (or someone else's) than you'd ever find in a Encyclopedia Brown book, it's pretty obvious that having such an amazing social life often comes with unwritten consequences. No we're not talking about being hungover or unsure if you have to buy Plan B. We're referring to the shit that happens to you while you're out, and the material you use to build your repertoire of examples of why your life is 'a complete joke'.
Have you ever been at a party where people were looking at you when they start chanting "who brought the asshole?" and suddenly you realize that you've knocked over an entire bottle of red wine on your friends animal skin rug? Whatevs, it was begging to be destroyed. Well, if the answer to that question is yes, we're right there with you. Although most of the time we try to maintain the essence of class and poise when navigating the social world, if you don't have at least one minor monthly party foul, you probably take yourself too seriously.
Party fouls are similar to #13 Sunday morning regrets in that you one hundred percent embarrassed yourself doing something fucking stupid, but are different because the humor that accompanies that ridiculous shit you did last night highly outweighs giving a shit about what anyone thinks about you. You might ordinarily regret it, but the story of your absurdity makes humiliation obsolete.
If you don't have at least five stories of a time your #69 bestie had a hysterical fuck up that you can deliver on command, then you probably hate each other. Having a best friend who does stupid shit when she's drunk is so much better than bringing it upon yourself to take responsibility of being the idiot of the night. I mean, who needs to watch a Kardashian marathon when your Saturday morning entertainment can consist of watching your bestie and her boyfriend duke it out over which of them is the "Urinator" who peed in their mutual bed the night before.
Seriously though, we don't understand the whole peeing in your bed because you're so drunk situation, but we're happy we know people who do it because it has to be one of the most ridiculous phenomena to hit the betch world.
Some of our own personal party fouls include:
- Losing one or both of your shoes
- Falling down stairs and ripping your jeans
- Walking into a glass door (or anything for that matter)
- Eating 5 slices of pizza and about a quart of mac n cheese
- Then eating your friend's food when she's not looking
- Then eating a stranger's food when he's not looking
- Spilling your drink on....everyone
- Peeing outside when there is a bathroom in clear sight
- Accusing the bouncer of discriminating against white people because he wont let you into the bar
- Telling any guy that you're in love with him
- Hooking up with a myriad of circus clowns ie. a short guy, a guy with gray hair, a really young guy, an ugly bro, a really fucking ugly bro...
- Throwing up out of a window of a moving car
- Wiping your nose on a random person's shirt after a sporadic hysterical fit of unexplainable tears
- Crying because it's already Saturday and you can't go out for an entire 2 days
- Sending 25 emoticons to a guy you're hooking up with when a simple "hey" would have sufficed
- Giving people advice who never asked for it....like no the bouncer never asked you your opinions on his abilities as a father
- Telling your friend exactly what you think of her annoying friend...in front of her annoying friend
- Buying shots
- Buying people shots who didn't ask for them
- Taking too many Xanax and passing out at the bar.
- Harassing your guy friend about the fact that you don't think his girlfriend is "the one" and continuously calling her "Not the One" for the rest of the night.
- Casually falling off a table
- Crowd surfing onto an unsuspecting and unwelcoming crowd
- Snorting salt...accident or not
Whatever the party foul may be, we're sure that there are 100 betches in the world who have or are doing the same exact thing. Sure they're not the classiest of moves, but they're okay sometimes. If you're doing them on a nightly basis you should stop fucking drinking so much. No one wants to chill with Amy Winehouse...awkward.
Take this list as more of a "checklist" in which you're allowed three a year and continue going out and being yourself. But as any true betch gets older, she'll become more of an experienced party fouler and find ways to avoid embarrassing herself. Like look at the dame of disgrace, Snooki. In an act of what appeared to be maturity, she decided against wearing underwear that have her boyfriend's name on them because she knew she would flash her ass to anyone and everyone that night. Evidently, that kind of foresight is all it takes to become a best selling author.
The moral of the story is: party fouls should be used in moderation but if you've never had any you're probably boring as fuck and we feel sorry for your besties.