July 5, 2011
Since betches always have a lot of shit going on, we often have to pick and choose which activities we can squeeze into our busy schedules. However, there is one activity that is our absolute priority no matter what. Pregaming. Betches will find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides the obvious major events like #4 birthdays, #12 tailgates, #14 dates, and #20 clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically mandatory that we get fucked up before any and all activities.
Sorority initiation starting in 20 minutes? NO CHANCE I’m walking into such an event without sparking a j first! We’d all take the $100 fine for being absent before even considering attending sober.
OMG my cousin’s boyfriend’s dad’s birthday is tonight! Let’s throw a PG to celebrate in his absence! Cheeeeeeers!
So why do betches love pregaming so much? Besides the fact that it’s an excuse to gather our besties to laugh, bond, and #1 talk shit (and a lot of it), pregames are essential in that they ensure that wherever we’re going after, we’re not bored. Not bored = fucked up. If the day after, you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s 90th birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cig last night? That’s more like it.
Betches also enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth?
Should we invite Dani? She's been so annoying lately, giving me a play by play every 5 minutes of what she's "up to." Did I fucking ask what you're fucking up to?! Whatever, hopefully she'll bring some drugs.
Julie wouldn’t give me her notes from last week when I was hungover and didn’t go to class? Selfish bitch. She can drink alone!
Obviously as a betch, in addition to hosting pregames, you will be bombarded with invitations to attend a multitude of pre-bar events. Deciding which PG to attend is often one of the toughest decisions of our night.
Ugh, do we want to go to Jamie’s apartment? She’s never good for anything but Georgi! Cheap bitch! And Megan’s loser friends from class will probably be there. Whatever, it’ll be fine, we'll just sit in the corner and drink their alc, while BBMing each other about how Lauren’s “new boyfriend” is really just a guy she fucked in the bathroom at a bar ...once.
One of the biggest impediments to a sick pregame is your lame friend who decides she needs to "be a real person tomorrow" so she "isn’t going to get that fucked up tonight." Usually, that betch is fucked. Everyone will talk shit about her as soon as they part ways at the bar and call her out for pretending to be drunker than she is when we're out. WE ALL KNOW you only took 3 shots!!! Being the lone sober betch, or the LSB (not to be confused with #17 LSC), is zero fun, and this betch will usually sit in the corner BBMing her boyfriend and thinking about many how more times she can get away with the "I'm sick" excuse. Bitch you’ve been sick for three fucking weeks.
This betch is not good for anything besides recounting funny drunk stories about the hysterical things you and your besties did when you were blackout, since she will be the only one sober enough to remember. But she’s still fucked because she’ll follow that up with some story about how you made a complete fool of yourself. Uh, sorry you think it’s embarrassing that I fell off the table last night. I personally thought my dismount was flawless.
Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies, but over the three too many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before Amanda’s birthday lunch. Can I please have a mimosa? Hold the orange juice.
Betches love a great PG because it combines our favorite things to do and gives us the alcohol lubrication that we need to divulge our deepest secrets. You and a few betches are chillin’ around a bathroom sink during the PG while passing your mail key around… What a perfect opportunity to share the story of how you gave yourself an abortion on spring break! All it took was some ecstasy and cocaine!
So if you’re trying to decide where you’re going tonight, the betchiest pregame should be your first choice. Actually a bro’s PG would be just as good (boys and booze, duh). Expect a shit ton of vodka, an array of the latest techno mixes from djCOHEN (aka the guy that lives down the hall who happens to own big headphones), and the coolest people you know. Remember betches, always bring your A-game to the pregame. It is your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck anyone up who tries to get in your way.