87. The Real Housewives

By The Betches

As we’ve said before, the only Real Housewives shows worth mentioning are New York and Beverly Hills. Betches don’t even know the other ones besides Orange County, but those women are so washed up it’s not worth our attention.

If you watch either of these series you will agree that it is a sick addiction. Like why do we give a shit about these women who are twice our age and have their faces loaded with Juvaderm? We’ll tell you why. They provide us with drama that would never really go on in our lives. Their shit is ridiculous.

RHONYC “We pretend that we’re rich”


Yeah, definitely. Crack.


Jill Zarin is a controlling Jewish mother with a new liquid face-lift and the stubbornness of a two-year old. Ever since Bethenny left, she’s our favorite to watch because she is the voice of reason (comparatively). She has Luann on her side, something that is quite valuable in this group of frenemies. Based on what we saw in the argument between Luann and Alex, we now love Luann. Drop the Count, add a few painful songs and a new twin brother boyfriend, and you get one fucking ballsy betch. “Even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.”

Alex on the other hand is a fucking freak. Like holy shit we didn’t know weirdos like this existed. You can never trust anyone who is married to such a fucking obviously gay man. We’re sure that without makeup, she looks like the tranny serial killer in Silence of the Lambs. “It rubs the lotion on Simon.” We wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Alex tucks.

The only thing more disturbing than the lingerie scene between Alex and Simon was the “sex scene” with Ramona and Mario. Vom.com We don’t know what drugs Ramona is on, probably crack, but her eyes are as wide as Kelly’s legs are freakishly long. We’re positive she put her weekly dose of crushed up anything imaginable in her Ramona Pinot just so no one notices her drug problems. Zoloft in wine? Sure why not! This “renewed businesswoman” runs around like a fucking chicken without its head when she doesn’t have a glass bottle of Pinot in her hand. We’d feel bad for her daughter if she weren’t so pale.

Sonja Morgan. Stop saying you “just came back from working out.” No one believes you because A) you’re wearing a pashmina as you say this and B) you could barely walk on the treadmill that one time you went to the gym. Yes, the Churchills would say that to you.

Kelly is Kelly. Luann said it all. “Kelly, get the jelly beans!” Oh and Cindy, you’re sort of normal? We guess.

RHOBH “We’re actually rich”

Our girl, Lisa, is one fucking betch. She is untouchable and very respected in the Bev Hills group. No one fucks with Lisa. Her sarcasm, English accent, and obedient husband are something we all strive to have. So what she wears tacky pink all the time, betch has her own personalized Loubs. We love Lisa so much that we almost showed some emotion when Ken was describing the situation with Cedric at the reunion. We fucking hate you Cedric, stop gallivanting around in your neon speedos, your penis is the size of a thumb.


Our next favorite is obviously Kyle. This Demi Moore stunt double has the most gorgeous hair, looks the least plastic, and has the hottest fucking husband. Sure Mauricio sort of resembles the butler from Mr. Deeds, but whatever, he’s a rich #62 pro. Oh and she’s casually related to the Hiltons. True.

There’s not much to say about Kyle’s sister Kim besides the fact that once they point out she’s an alcoholic at the end, you realize she’s been drunk literally the entire season.

Adrienne is fucking hysterical. We don’t want to say that she’s a little manly and that her face is pulled en peu tight because she’s rich as fuck and her husband is one of the funniest [looking] people plastic surgeons we’ve ever seen.


We feel bad for Taylor. It sucks that you were abused as a child and it sucks that your husband abused you. And the only part that sucks about your husband killing himself on Monday is that he left you with nothing but a 10 million dollar debt and an estranged Snowball.

Camille Grammer looks like Giggy.

So betches, we’re pumped (pun intended) for the new season of Bev hills to start in September. We only fucking hope Allison DuBois makes an appearance, puffing away.


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