Revenge Recap: The Young and the Red Sharpieless

By The Betches

April 19, 2012

So after going on the longest Spring Break ever, Revenge finally returned last night, tanned and ready to party. And party they did, with some of the weirdest most twisted soap opera-y plots we’ve ever witnessed on network television after 3 pm on weekdays. Between the prison fights, "The People vs. Daniel Grayson," and the intense love making (complete with roses), we literally just saw this episode on Telemundo.

But honestly it's been so long we almost forgot Revenge’s recipe for tantalizing Wednesday night drama: 1: Say something intriguing 2: Look dubious 3: Walk away 4: Turn around, pause, then look dubiously as you keep walking


revenge doubt I don't think we're at Day and Night anymore...


Amidst all these twisted plot lines, we have to admit we yearned for the simpler times when the cast did semi-normal shit. Like, where is Declan and his simple boyish misdemeanors, like crustacean theft? Confused as we were, we're getting a little tired of all the talking and creepy cellphones muploads. Isn’t this the Hamptons, shouldn't people be getting fucked up at South Pointe?

Call outs:

About this murder trial. It's about to happen...all of what? Two weeks later? Impossibly fast, in real life it would take years. And why is all this detective work going on in the Grayson kitchen?? Would you like a Caprese with a side of that alibi?

But despite their high-tech trial headquarters, the whole defense is still based on something Declan/Charlotte saw? This is like an episode of Law and Order: Special Retard Unit.

The sketch artist seems to have drawn a picture of Rufus Humphrey or Jesus Christ in a hoodie.

Who's the random bro that Vic was fooking? Why's he Gerard butler? Is he going to die and leave her letters that lead to Ireland? And what's with her walking around in this sheet? This is a poor guy's apartment, not a Vanity Fair shoot.

Bow-tie dude is back and he's ready to start blogging! This is just like Girls!

OH is casually an actual that's what ABC's been doing all month??

So after his big website launch Treadwell comes into Charlotte's house without permission and threatens to get her in trouble for pill popping...why isn’t she like GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE. Combined with his glasses, he's one tweed pant suit away from getting arrested for pedophilia.

But seriously chill Charlotte, no need to pop those Xanys so ceremoniously. And that's how we know she's not a real addict.

LOL Moments:

Such a small cell Daniel! But where ever do you keep your Polos and Sperrys!

Vic calls up this random semi-skinhead looking bro at a bar to get a message to "an inmate at Rikers." Why not try smoke signals? Morse code? A telegram? Dear Daniel. STOP. Mommy sending bottled breast milk tomorrow. STOP.


revenge doubt Boo fucking hoo


OMG I literally fell off my chair when they show Emanda and Daniel touching hands through the visitor glass... oh Romeo! ...oh inmate!

I love how these shows make up weird software for messaging. It's called iChat. Get a fucking Mac. Pretty sure you can't make your screen name 'anonymous' but somehow everyone is always fooled! Treadwell is like, oh shit who is 'anon'? This isn't the usual crowd in my singles over 40 Slingo chat.

Where does everyone on this show get their gadgets? Borrow them from Spy Kids? "I wonder how this creepy pic I took of Victoria getting an envelope at the bar will look on instagram!?" – Emanda

As Emanda is beating up the skin head man man man: This is for Jack...and that, was for Daniel. ::gives hand job::

Emanda's monologue at the end..."but in the wild...the female species can be much more ferocious than their male counterparts...this was girl world...the fighting had to be sneaky."








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