February 9, 2012
All we have to say is that Revenge was sick last night, providing us with twists, turns, new Grayson family members, and a cliff hanger so exciting that we nearly made a facial expression. However, we did get confused as fuck by all the Amandas, Emilys, and Emandas on this show. Let's take a look into this tricky twisted family puzzle:
"Emily Thorne" the badass that she is, broke into Emanda's house, stole her box, and RSVP'd to her invitation. (Apparently US priority mail isn't hasty enough for her.) So, Emily Vancamp is Amanda Clarke who is playing Emily Thorne also known as Emanda. And Emily Thorne is taking Emanda's identity, happens to look like Shakira, and is acting (really poorly) as if she loves a guy who thinks she is Emanda. I hope Revenge was wearing a condom because we feel mind fucked. So who's the real Amanda Clarke again? Sean Connery?
Regardless of who is who, all we know is that there were definitely some moments worth revisiting. Let's start with the invitation.
The invitation came in a box? What is this, a Vanderpump shindig? However we weren't the only one's who didn't really care for it, Noly baby looked really pissed off when he got it. WTF is this cubic zirconia, I was expecting fucking Swarovski at least!!
More importantly, who makes their engagement theme fire and ice? Nothing screams everlasting love like a party theme based on erratic weather patterns.
Emanda sitting at her computer, as usual, but again wearing a white dress and white gloves? What is this, another episode of Cold Case?
Conrad's father does not look like an actor he looks the same age as Conrad and like they just pulled him from the camera crew. Quick, we need an old fucker with yellow dentures! And like, how old is Conrad that his dad is like alive and well, boppin' around?
Victoria puts her hair up when going to the Porters' bar...way to show you're roughing it Vic....you're going to a bar this isn't the fucking Simple Life.
Ugh what's up with these poor people crashing these rich people parties all gross and bruised. First Tyler now Jack it's like, stop being so dramatic povo people.
What is it about the name Jack that just screams poor boy. Titanic? And Jill?
Charlotte and Declan have like the least chemistry out of any couple in the history of TV...probs bc EVW is gayyyyy.
Mad people lurk in this show.
Why does everyone on this show talk in lame generalizations? I'm not the girl you thought I was.....Won't let you throw away what we have....Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Daniel is so cute and naiive...and just stupid. MOM TELL HIM YOU'RE INNOCENT!!!! WAHHH. Instead of coming to the logical conclusion of the truth, his next reaction was probably like oh shit wait, so if mom wasn't raped, did mom rape David Clarke?? HUH? I'm an alcoholic! Where's my ginger friend? Oh that's right he tried to kill my fiance!! Who wants a shot?
Why does Emanda not have a fucking security system? Like, it's 2012 and you're formulating an evil plot against a family of psychopathic rich villains and you've already been in two encounters with two different people with guns and yet you don't have so much as a sign on your lawn for Slomin's Shield?
PREDICTION: The original Emily Thorne left the note and will be the one to kill Daniel, then Jack will try to cover it up, in a hoodie.
Find the lady with the dark hair! She loves him and he loves her! ....If you know her name is Victoria why wouldn't you just say that in the beginning, idiot young Emanda.
WHOA flashback to Daniel looking hot and wasted, while Emanda is diligently taking notes and looks like a total lesbian. Oh and we love Daniel's slightly combed over hair to signify the passage of time. Epic ABC.
Okay Emanda, way to add a cool trashy accent for the flash back. Did you and Katherine Heigl go to the same school for actors who are learning to use accents?
Charlotte: You're either with me or against me! As she takes one baby sip of some alcohol. Ahh the long awaited return from the dead of Marissa Cooper!
Emily Thorne is attending her own engagement party! Emanda must be enraged that whoever broke into her apartment took her most prized possession (red sharpie) and used it in a mildly evil warning against her.