October 24, 2011
When a betch goes out to a restaurant with her besties, she immediately scans the menu for the soups and salads. Why skip the appetizers and the entrées? Because soups are liquid, and salads are the only acceptable food a betch can eat other than #72 sushi and air. And because spinach artichoke dip is for fat vegetarians.
The recipe for creating the betchiest salad is simple: put as little items in it for as much money as possible. Mixed greens with cherry tomatoes for $18!? Count me in.
Betches will also eat salads with fancy names, like the Waldorf or the Tri-colorée, usually involving sophisticated cheeses that we won't eat but will leave on our plates to show other patrons and the busboy that we're not only rich, but successfully ano.
There's nothing more nauseating than watching a girl order the fat salad on the menu, like the kind with corn, avocados, bleu cheese, etc. It's usually disguised with some Southwest or Mexican name. A real betch knows that the only thing it's acceptable to ingest from south of the border are drugs in Acapulco.
How to order a salad like a betch:
It's not betchy to order a salad the way it's written on the menu. (Refer to classic betch film 'When Harry Inevitably Fucked Sally'). Exchanging vegetables and leaving things out are key in order to achieve the green masterpiece you call lunch. "Um, can I get cucumbers instead of the hearts of palm, and can you please add the chick peas on top, you know, after you've chopped it. Oh yeah, and can you chop it? Dressing on the side."
Dressing on the side is a big thing and unfortunately we have to ask for it. Doesn't the chef know that every betch has a unique vinaigrette threshold? Our palettes are delicate and can only withstand so much vinegar on our sensitive tongues! If we wanted that much acidity hitting our mouths we'd be downing tequila shots.
[Side note: Balsamic, oil and vinegar, and lemon juice are the only reasonable dressings. Maybe a fat free raspberry vinaigrette. Want Thousand Island or French? You might as well order a plate of wings, uncross your legs, turn on the game and change your name to Todd.]
Sometimes betches have a sweet tooth and flavored gum just doesn't cut it, we understand. For this sole reason, God invented craisins. There's nothing better than the craisin cucumber chicken combo. Fucking duh.
Speaking of chicken, if it's not grilled it's gotta go. Fried chicken is disgusting and frankly shouldn't even be brought up in conversation unless the topic is a Tyler Perry movie. Adding grilled chicken or salmon to your salad is a perfect choice in case you are hungry. If you don't like chicken, an Adderall will do.
And remember, if you're trying to order a Caesar salad you are not a betch. You're a fat ass. Caesar died for a reason.