Scientists Find Comet With Alcohol On It

By Jane Duh

As you may remember from school, outer space is both terrifying and super boring. When people ask me if I would ever go to space I'm like "no." Why the fuck would I want to go somewhere I can't fucking breathe? Also, space can fucking text me when it has a bar. Until then I'll spend my vacation time in Ibiza, thank you.

Well, space-Ibiza might actually not be so far off. Science bros (and betches) at the Paris Observatory just discovered alcohol on the surface of the comet 'Lovejoy' (bc I guess people also fuck on this comet? idk), and it wasn't just like, a little bit of alcohol either.

According to Nicolas Biver, lead author of the team who discovered the Blackout Hole that is Lovejoy, the comet is releasing the equivalent of 500 bottles of wine every second of its peak activity.

Holy fuck! That is like senior week levels of wine release-age! That is like 250 pregames every second! That is like 500 drunk uncles at Thanksgiving! That's like...that's like...

I don't even fucking know what it's like! It's a shitload of wine!!! In space!! Space wine!!!

Is this it? Have we finally conquered the final frontier? We found a comet made of alcohol. What else is there for humans to find?

In addition to the wine, scientists also found sugar which apparently proves that comets are "capable of hosting life" or some bullshit idk I'm still thinking about all that wine...




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