August 9, 2011
So it’s Sunday afternoon and you’ve just woken up, hungover as fuck and only moderately pleased to find that no one is sleeping next to you. After popping some advil, the next step is clear: look through your phone to see what kind of night you had.
After you get through the extensive and quite boring rounds of “where r u!?” “by bar nxt 2 hot guy w big adams apl where r u” you move on to the more interesting shit. That’s when you see it, your Sunday morning regret of the week. Fuck. You’ve gotten drunk and sexted.
Sexting has become something of a controversial issue, with anti-sexting shit like MTV’s A Thin Line Campaign, which urges teens when they’re sober to reconsider sending naked pictures of themselves and saying sexual stuff to each other. Yeah fucking right. Where’s MTV when it’s 2am on a Friday night and I don’t remember my middle name.
In October, Apple patented a device for parents who want to block their kids from sending sexually explicit words via their Apple products. Now this is totally fucking ridiculous. Like, how is this preventing anyone from doing stupid shit? “Help! I want to fuck you but my iPad won’t let me say nipple!”
Although sexting seems like a great idea in theory - what better way to accomplish your conflicting desires to be #53 shady and still #8 not fuck bros than by putting out with only your words - sexting is a very slippery slope.
As we reiterated with the Weinergate scandal, what you send out in cyberspace
can will follow you for the rest of your fucking life and you can bet any bro you send sexually explicit shit to is sharing those messages with all his friends. If he wasn’t a SAB, you probably wouldn’t be sexting him in the first place.
Then again, there’s a fine line between telling someone you’re DTF and sending them a picture of your entire body. We may promote #42 dressing like a slut, but we definitely promote covering your boobs and vagina in pictures.
However, the amusement that sexting provides when you are not the sexter is the ultimate form of entertainment. There's no situation that could match the hilarity resulting from showing your bestie the weekly sext you got from your creepy home friend only to find out he texted her the same thing. Victim of the mass sext. Honestly betches, don't ever pretend like you're so repelled by sexually disturbing texts from your guy friends, you know you're wholly entertained. We told you there's no such thing as guy friends.
The best thing to do when a bro you’re hooking up with initiates sexting is react the way a SAB would when you recommend he take you on a date. “I want to fuck you” should be replied to with “If you say so.” If you’re too fucked up to use this tactic you can take advantage of being drunk out of your mind and allow yourself to misspell everything, as if you're absolving yourself of having made a conscious choice to send these messages. You're not.
You may think that having a boyfriend gives you a free pass on the sex via text thing but you never know what kind of dramatic blowout breakup you’re going to have with this guy. So unless you have an equally embarrassing anecdote or picture of his unfortunately small dick, we’d steer clear of this option as well.
So betches, don’t drink and sext. Kim Kardashian may have used sex to get famous but she’s a member of the Lucky Sperm Club, so the same rules don’t apply. Plus, everyone still kind of thinks she’s a whore.
Remember that cyberspace makes the world a lot smaller and there’s nothing that says losing more than your evil ex sending a topless picture of you to your grandma in London. So save your dirty talk for the bedroom, your future kids don’t need to be tormented by a naked picture of you they found on the Internet, no matter how hot you used to be.