93. Sexual Mapping

By The Betches

Remember that Karen Owens thing? While most of us are not stupid enough to allow that kind of detailed information to go viral, the Karen Owens powerpoint is a great example of sexual mapping: the only kind of work or mapping that a betch would ever do.

Let’s talk about how betches organize their sexual experiences.


karen owens powerpointThis is too much work for betches


The Powerpoint: No. Karen Owens did something extreme by keeping an intense log of essentially short stories about her failure to #8 not fuck bros. To write that is weird, and to send it out to your friends is even weirder. Still, we enjoyed it. Thanks, Karen.

The Number: Most betches, at minimum, keep track of their number and who’s on the list. You should definitely know the last name of everyone on the list before having sex with them, or at the very least, after. If you can’t keep track within a 2-person range of the true number, your number’s too high.

The Calendar: What, are you like, trying to track your baby daddy?

The Web: Remember in camp when everyone would write their name on a wall and then write every guy they've hooked up with and see who overlapped the most? It’s a little immature to create an actual physical “web” of hookups, though many betches have done so in their day. If you go to college, you’re probably within like, 3 degrees of hookup separation with any given person at the bar, and a physical map of this might be funny.

But as you get older, tracking your sexual encounters is more like a parenting style. You should know where your kids are, but it doesn’t mean you have to attach a fucking tracking bracelet to their wrists. Sexual mapping is supposed to be more in your head and should be like, wayyyy less structured. Like, we highly doubt your mom has a sexual web, but you bet she’s #1 talking shit with her #69 besties about who fucked whose husband.


sexual mappingJust hang on one sec while I update my excel sheet...


So, you should’ve already read #79 sexting and know that betches don’t allow evidence of their #53 shady endeavors in either physical or virtual form. Therefore, the key to using the sexual map to your advantage is to hone your memory and awareness in order to manipulate people. Knowledge is power. As Regina George showed us, if you’re going to call up Taylor Waddell’s mom and tell her you’re calling from Planned Parenthood, you better know which bro you’re getting back at and which girl to place on your #25 WYDEL.



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