July 5, 2011
Let’s talk about the shade factor. No, we don’t mean the jealous pasty betch’s BFF and relief from the sun. We’re talking about every betches' relief from dealing with nice guys. The Shady Asshole Bro, SAB. Some may wonder why betches would ever deal with the mind games that accompany shadiness and the truth is that even the betchiest betches in the world have sought shade from the toxic rays of complimentary terms of endearment and guys who only have eyes for us.
Everyone remembers Big from Sex & The City. Big is the ultimate Shady McShadester, stringing Carrie along for all six seasons of the show, doing douchey things like not telling her he loves her and watching basketball instead of meeting her friends. The whole idea of Big, suddenly after 10 years deciding to marry the delusional yet narcissistic Carrie, is totally fucking ridiculous. This would NEVER happen and if it did he would constantly cheat on her. The loss of the “spark” (which we witnessed in SATC 2), aka her former chase after this unavailable douchebag, would also never happen because the real Big would never commit and would constantly be mind-fucking her. There’s nothing less exciting than a long-term relationship that’s drama free.
Shadiness is shadily great because it's one of our favorite forms of mind games. While some smart bros can learn how to play the shady card strategically, there are others who just can't control their need to be regularly fucking at least five different girls at a time.
For a bro, possessing the shadiness gene is the gift that keeps on giving, because regardless of how long they've been whipped by some lame ass girlfriend, their naturally shady vibe still constantly works its magic. Raise an eyebrow and send betches everywhere into a frenzy because they all think this guy is trying to send them a personal signal.
Shadiness comes from the subconscious realization that you’re doing something that isn’t completely kosher. Some classic shady moves include:
1. Texting you while you're in the same room
2. Texting more than one girl in the same room
3. When asked if he has a girlfriend, he says "kind of"
4. Asks you to go for a “drive”
5. Sends you a videochat request after midnight
6. The late night sexter
7. “Let’s keep this our fun little secret” before you hook up
8. Response when he sees your eyes gaze over to his screen protected blackberry “Oh I call everyone baby”
9. Consistently on Facebook chat so as to see who’s available
10. Hides his facebook pictures AND wall. There's something he doesn't want you to see.
11. Any guy who answers your questions with “if you say so” or “it is what it is.” Fucking run.
For girls, shadiness usually stems from when you’re hooking up with that guy who all of your friends think is a complete asshole…read: shady. She’ll sneak off and say she’s going to pick some shit up or something like that. Instead she’ll be sneaking off to hook up with the SAB that everyone knows will just fuck her over in the end.
When your best betch tells you about the new tall, mysterious man in her life, what this really means is that he’s probably got a lot to fucking hide. She won’t buy this though, so the only thing you can do is tell her the exact thing she wants to hear. “Yeah, he’s probably just fucking you in his car because his apartment is getting redecorated… totally only seeing you.” Or, “It makes sense that he has a lot of early meetings…he’s like a really big deal!”
What you’re really thinking is “Okay so he’s not technically cheating on you because he never said you were exclusive, but don’t worry, I’m sure if you were actually dating he would be!”
After having been around the block a few times, getting with the SAB gets tiring for a true betch. She realizes that these guys are and will always be liars and cheaters and she moves on. However, let's be real, this won’t happen for a really long time, like when she’s looking to get married aka realizing she’s never gonna have a “career.” Remember, you’re only as betchy as the amount of guys you hook up with that make you cry…privately of course.