83. Sisters

By The Betches

August 9, 2011

Okay so while we’ve all seen The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants which taught us that with a little magic, it's possible for fat girls to share jeans with Alexis Bledel, real betches know that sisters are the besties who have zero chance of winding up on your WYDEL.

Betches love sisters because, like our #52 Gay BFFs, sisters can and will be totally honest with you. As someone in your direct bloodline, they actually give a shit about what others have to say about you. It's a genetic fact that your sister shares more DNA with you than any other human being in the world including your mother and children. Unless of course you have another sister, in which case it’s a tie. So the question is, am I going to let someone go out representing my genes in fucking hideous jeans? NO fucking way. And that’s the beauty of sisters.

olsensAnother use for sisters - finding the loophole in child labor laws

Sure, as friends who live in such close proximity and who have a bigger cap for honesty, you’re going to a fight. A lot. You know you have a little sister and not just a friend when you see her stroll down the stairs in one of your brand new sweaters and you don't hesitate to scream, “Take off my fucking sweater bitch! Did I give you permission to wear that? It doesn’t even fit your fucking mosquito bite sized boobs!

As your sister, she will now have to go back and change after replying, “you’ll see how much you’ll be bitching when you’re an unmarried bridesmaid at my wedding, you old ass whore.” If this were your friend you’d have to bite your tongue or like, tell her nicely to take it off. Ew.

However, no matter how much you and your sister fight, it’s universal sister code that if someone talks shit about your sister, you do not hesitate to punch them in the fucking face or hook up with their boyfriend. “I can talk shit about my sister but YOU can’t you fucking loser outsider! Come back when you inherit our family’s ridiculously perfect looks and brains, stupid bitch."

While we realize that you don’t have to have a sister to be a betch, it definitely helps. Some sisters are notoriously attached at the hip and do fucking everything together. In this case you want to look alike, because she's the bestie you'll be taking with you for your entire life so you want to make sure she's pretty. However you definitely want to be at least slightly more attractive so when people inevitably compare you you're known as "the prettier sister."

If you have a younger sister, you can teach her the ways of betchdom and hope she follows in your footsteps.

If you have an older sister, it’s definitely part of the reason you are the betch you are today, hopefully getting guidance in fields like fashion, not fucking bros, and how to manipulate your parents into giving you everything you want.

pipaPippa: I may be holding your train but at least I still get to go clubbing

It’s also a known fact that parents will pay for and let sisters do anything together in the name of “bonding.” “Mom can we go to Ibiza for the weekend pleaseeee?! We just REALLY need to talk about Lauren’s latest break-up, and what nursing home we’re going to put you in when you stop making money!”

If you’re the youngest of more than two sisters, be prepared to be the sibling bitch and have to do things like running to get the car keys, getting last shower on family vacas, and having anything nice you get ‘borrowed from you.’ Don’t feel bad though, this means you lucky enough to have older amazing betches to look up to and copy.

So betches, be thankful and nice to your sister. Unless she’s being annoying or selfish, in which case take advantage of it and project your anger onto her. Sisters are for life. From the Obamas to the Olsens to the Hiltons, there’s no one more worthy of a loan or your attention than the betch who saw your boyfriend sneak into your room when your parents were sleeping and didn’t say anything.


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