I Fucked Steve Aoki and Now Everyone Hates Me! Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

So like I'm this betch at Duke University, yeah I know betches love my college xo, but I'm starting to question my betches' loyalty to not giving a fuck/doing whatever the fuck we want/ruling the world. In short, I fucked someone famous and now the girls I thought were betches in my sorority and two other ones (key three, duh) are actually starting to be bitches about it.

So we had that huge LDOC thing you guys wrote about a while back, and Duke brought Kendrick Lamar, Travis Porter, and Steve Aoki. I haven't crossed over to the dark side yet so you guessed it, I fucked Steve Aoki. Not just once, but twice. We met before his set when a few of my friends and I were sneaking around the back buildings, making it snow in 80 degree weather... and came across his tour bus. Naturally "off limits" and security guards don't mean shit to me and my friends so we went over to see if we could meet this prodigy who has changed thousands of lives through the gift of house music and cakes to the face. He turned out to be one of the chillest guys ever, despite being 35 years old, having a bastard daughter, and strongly resembling someone straight out of Mulan. After half an hour of talking and hearing his newest, unleaked tracks he offered to give my friend and I a tour of his tour bus. Sneaky little ninja took us straight to the state of the art mobile bedroom. Oh but this was anything but a quickie. I was having the time of my life. Never had I thought my first threesome experience would be with STEVE. AOKI. He had to get ready for the show and sent my friend and I off, but not before he got my number. I don't know if it was the alcohol, the heat, or the adrenaline of having Aoki's long, sweaty hair hitting my skin for a good thirty minutes, but I could feel that this wasn't over.

Almost as soon as we left he texted me asking to "hang out" later. Of course I knew what that implied and I just had to tell the rest of my girls. And the world. I sent out an email to my entire sorority delivering the news. Safe to say no one was completely shocked, after all I am known as one of the baddest betches around. I guess I should have stopped trying to get insanely fucked up at that point since apparently I also went around telling every single guy in our top fraternities that the guy on top of their party playlists, whom I also called BONZAI at this point--beat that first name basis, had been on top of me for most of the afternoon. After my late night solo sesh with Aoki I was convinced that sex will never get better, although the hair was in fact a little much. I bragged this to my friends but then they were playing the mom card and were all concerned about like "did you use a condom" and "ew but he's so old!" shit. Like I'm sorry but who gives a fuck I can do whatever I want, hellooooo he's FAMOUS!

Anyway betches I just need some advice about what to do from here on. I am playing the I-don't-give-a-fuck card because I truly don't, yet I also don't like the fact that my not-so-betchy friend that was the underdog (sorry) during the threeway is getting a ton of shit that she's not cool with. I'll handle anything, hell, I even changed my profile picture to one of me and BONZAI after we had our fun.

Sincerely,

Sushi Roll'ed

Dear Sushi Roll'ed,

This has got to be the biggest case of delusional narcissism I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot. I mean, I write THIS column). Ugh there's so much I want to make fun of that I don't even know where to start. Let's break this shit down piece by piece because I really don't know when I'm going to get another gem like this in my inbox.

Naturally "off limits" and security guards don't mean shit to me and my friends so we went over to see if we could meet this prodigy who has changed thousands of lives through the gift of house music and cakes to the face.

Translation: My friends and I are annoying enough that we managed to sneak our way past security because we were super coked out and looked like we were down to fuck the famous people.

Newsflash: The term prodigy cannot be applied to DJing. It just can't. This guy is turning fucking knobs he's not Mozart. Get a grip, idiot! Also, what is cakes to the face? Is that a cum reference?

Never had I thought my first threesome experience would be with STEVE. AOKI. He had to get ready for the show and sent my friend and I off, but not before he got my number. I don't know if it was the alcohol, the heat, or the adrenaline of having Aoki's long, sweaty hair hitting my skin for a good thirty minutes, but I could feel that this wasn't over.

Translation: In case you missed the memo, I had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with Steve Aoki and another girl who is my friend. My life is like a scene from The Notebook. It was extremely romantic, like something out of a romance novel only instead of two star crossed lovers finding each other amidst chaos it was a creepy old DJ fucking two girls in a trailer.

Newsflash: I had no idea what Steve Aoki looked like so I had to google him. You need to chill out. It's not like you fucked Brad Pitt. In fact, it looks more like you fucked the host at Benihana or my weed dealer. Also, gross I so don't want to cringe at having to read about some long dirty man's unwashed sweaty hair falling across your body.

I sent out an email to my entire sorority delivering the news. Safe to say no one was completely shocked, after all I am known as one of the baddest betches around…at that point since apparently I also went around telling every single guy in our top fraternities that the guy on top of their party playlists, whom I also called BONZAI at this point--beat that first name basis, had been on top of me for most of the afternoon.

Translation: I immediately felt the need to brag about my slutty inability to not fuck bros to my entire sorority. Even though I'm fully aware that disseminating emails where I talk about having promiscuous sex will be forwarded and sent to everyone I know, including probably and inevitably my parents and future children, my urge to show everyone how badass, cool, and hot I am superseded this. No one was shocked because I do slutty shit like this that's indicative of major low self esteem like, all the time.

Newsflash: DISCRETION - look it up. It is not overrated. It's fine to have sex with whoever you want, and even sort of kind of cool that you had sex with someone mildly famous even if he does look like an extra in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but it is NOT OKAY to brag about it on your sorority listserv. It's extremely TTH, make you look really desperate for attention, and most of all, super fucking annoying. If you want word to get out all you need to do is quietly tell one person but the fact that you're shouting about your sluttiness from the rooftop and telling every guy you see how easy you are is actually pretty sad.

I bragged this to my friends but then they were playing the mom card and were all concerned about like "did you use a condom" and "ew but he's so old!" shit.

These points are both very valid. Time to get yourself a pap smear and yeah, 35 is fucking old for anyone that's not Bradley Cooper.

I am playing the I-don't-give-a-fuck card because I truly don't, yet I also don't like the fact that my not-so-betchy friend that was the underdog (sorry) during the threeway is getting a ton of shit that she's not cool with.

Translation: I'm really just looking for more people to brag about my sexual tryst with Steve Aoki to so I can get more validation on my choices so if I have to make up that I'm having a problem in order to get my letter published I'll do it. Since I clearly do give a fuck, because I'm writing this letter in the first place, I'm hoping you'll tell me to ignore the haters and keep doing my thing instead of telling me to get a psychiatrist and stop being so fucking pompous. Also, I want the world to know that the other girl in this threesome who I outed without her consent in my email is both unfairly being picked on and simultaneously not as hot/good in bed as me.

I'll handle anything, hell, I even changed my profile picture to one of me and BONZAI after we had our fun.

No. Stop trying so hard it's painful to read. Stop bragging about weird nicknames you have for guys who are using you for sex. Stop changing your profile picture to a guy who had sex with you while he was in town and then never spoke to you again. Famous or not famous, it's never cool to be treated like a slutty groupie.

Sincerely,

The Betches


UPDATE: The girl who fucked Steve Aoki may or may not be the girl who wrote this email to us and it could actually be someone pretending to be her. Which is even funnier. We're working on figuring out who that girl is and why she hates the Aoki-fucker. This story is in development so please email us with any tips!

UPDATE: We figured out who the writer of the email is. It is not the girl who had sex with Steve Aoki. We don't personally know the girl who went to such lengths to make this story up with such explicit detail but we could say that she is probably a sociopath. 

Have a fucked up question? Want a fucked up answer? Email us at [email protected]

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