July 5, 2011
Out of respect for the fact that it’s Saturday, generally considered the best day of the week, we’d like to address one of the best ways to get blackout: TAILGATES!! Even though college football season is done, Saturdays in the fall are key to having a social life.
If you’re not willing to wake up at 7am to drink yourself stupid, you are committing social suicide. A true betch is ready to drink at any time of day, even if it means setting your Blackberry alarm for 7:05 after getting home at 5am.
Let’s go over how to properly tailgate while being the betch of the party:
Proper attire is essential. At big party schools in the north, predominately in the BIG 10, it’s all about rocking the school colors. A true betch will have a new shirt and accessories at every game, including necklaces, temporary tattoos, knee-high socks, sunglasses, and face paint. We mean EVERY Saturday, so arrange to bursar some shit at the school store and tell your parents you needed new textbooks.
For our big party schools in the south, tailgating is a little different. Here, it’s considered a serious offense to be caught not wearing your nicest frock. Southern kids look at these events as if they’re social galas straight out of the plantation era.
No matter where you’re tailgating, pre-tailgate rituals are basically universal. The bitch-betch must be the one to get the bagels and cream cheese, Starbucks, and chasers. I know what you’re thinking, betches don’t eat bagels! But eating a bagel, scooped out of course, is necessary or you will make a fool of yourself. Eat quickly, or share half your bagel with the garbage, and get to ripping shots as soon as possible. It’s considered poor form to show up sober at the actual pregame, so 5-7 shots at the PRE-pregame is customary. Oh, and be sure to bring the rest of the bottle with you to the real pregame. Betches are always prepared for emergencies.
Next you go meet up with the majority of your crew for the actual pregame at your bros’ house. At this point it’s around 9am. The game doesn’t start till 12. Yay, plenty of time to drink! Music is blasting, 85 kids are on the front lawn, the smell of marijuana and cigarettes fills the air, the funnel is getting passed around like that freshman who’s fucked all your guy friends, and everyone is getting absolutely belligerent. Soon you’re at the point of no return and you know it’s time to walk to the tailgating fields to start the real party.
The tailgate: Picture a scene with thousands of people and rows of cars that goes for miles. As you walk to where your bros have set up shop, a cop on his bike offers to open your beer for you. Your bros’ tailgate area consists of a tent with speakers and a grill, a keg, and the finest Karkov vodka for betches who won’t go near beer. It’s almost 10:30am at this point and you are really really really… I mean REALLY drunk. So you continue drinking. The grill is going, and this is when you shadily start your drunk munchies.
At 11:45 the tailgating fields start to empty out and it’s time to go to the game. But here’s the thing, when you go to a giant party school with a shitty football team, you’re not actually going. Besides, you can barely walk. This is when a true betch shines. You spot a Jimmy John’s delivery guy. A ride AND a sandwich? This is my golden fucking ticket. You walk up to him and shake your shit a little, and soon he offers to drive you home. Mmmm… I loveee the Beach Club.
You get home but you’re stopped by that delicious smell coming from the pizza place next door (if you’re lucky and from Wisco, it’ll be covered in mac and cheese. YESSSSS). Okay betches. I know that we all want to be #5 skinny, but that is for during the week. You need to soak up that alcohol somehow. You get to your apartment and turn the game on. This is sooooo much better in HD!! You sit on your coach, roll your best betch blunt, and spark that shit up. Great fucking day.
Before you know it, you open your eyes and realize it’s 8:30pm and you’re still on that couch. You have 8 missed calls and 7 BBMs. You feel really shitty but it doesn’t fucking matter because you're going out anyway.
A true betch will make it out for Saturday night and will black out harder then she did that day. This is what college is all about. If you cant handle it, transfer. I recommend for you Betches-in-Training, pick a big party school that tailgates on Saturdays. If you’re lucky, your high school betches that go to rival schools will come tailgate when you play each other, and if it’s a big enough game (or tailgate), your Ivy League betches will come and help with calculating your BAC. You get to spend the weekend with your best home, abroad, camp, teen tour, summer program betches, forcing vodka and beer down each others’ throats.
Listen, tailgates are the only exception for drinking beer. Choose your calories wisely during the week because when it’s tailgating time…anything goes, along with your dignity.