September 20, 2011
We know, we've already written extensively on the importance of habitual shit-talking. We get it, and no, we haven't run out of fucking ideas. In honor of our 100th post, we think it's necessary to revisit one the most fundamental parts of being a betch. #1 Talking shit.
Like we said in our ground-breaking post, a betch will talk shit about anyone for any reason, no matter where they are or who they're with. Whether it's someone on our #25 WYDEL, your #38 frenemy, or the asshole at Apple care who refuses to give you a new computer for free, betches are more than happy to #80 bitch about anyone and anything that doesn't treat us like the queens we are. EW don’t ever go back to Love Nails, it’s so poor there, the guy only massages you while you’re drying for like, ONE minute.
But what's this 2.0 shit?
Talking shit 2.0 is talking shit about your friends and their secrets. At first you’re like, I don’t talk shit about my friends, but then you’re like wait… yeah I definitely do that all the time. Honestly, what is drama good for if you can't fucking talk about it? Omg did you see Ashley’s new bangs? I’m going to refrain from saying that they make her face look like a person's with a shellfish allergy after they ate a 10 lb lobster…because that would be mean.
However every bestie group knows that you're allowed to talk shit about your besties BUT ONLY if it's to your other mutual besties. Otherwise you're like a really bad friend or something.
Talking shit about your friends happens usually when one is changing for the worse. Like when one of your besties is turning into the #7 BSCB and has been trying way too hard to make your ongoing inside joke of who’s going to be the first to fuck your dealer a reality.
And let's not forget when the bestie who's been MIA lately because she’s with her boyfriend at all times or trying extra hard at work makes it sooo easy to talk shit about her, because she’s not around. It’s like, ironic!
However, betches can’t always be this fortunate, as in the case of the #48 Dud. She’s always fucking around. So how do we talk about her in her presence? Bestie group chat. It was just a coincidence that all 9 of our phones are vibrating at the same time.
With bestie drama comes great responsibilities. Gauging your audience is key in talking shit 2.0. Like, is Jane going to tell Amanda that I told her that I can’t fucking take one more second of Amanda’s whining about Chris Like he broke up with you because you gained like an extra chin during your relationship, not because he wanted to “explore” being single. Who is he, fucking Magellan? As Ja'mie King would say, get over it, bitch.
There are also those two or three besties who always have shit with each other and all happen to find you the safe haven for talking about who gets Annoying Bitch of the Week. It’s like a fucking cycle, and you’re stuck in the middle. You would try to get out but it’s just too much fun to watch them compete for your loyalty in their pathetic fights.
Carly: Is Sam talking to you right now about me? We’re at lunch on our phones not talking.
Sam: Carly is such a fucking cunt.
Sam: Is she texting you btw?
Some people say you should keep your friends close but your enemies closer. We say that's for paranoid weirdos and the mafia. Every betch knows you're only as powerful as the amount of bestie secrets you have stored in your gossip arsenal. Keep your friends closer, so you have more to say when you talk shit about them later.