January 23, 2013
So our parents are always bitching that we should respect our elders and we got to thinking, old people deserve love and respect too. After all, we'll be old as fuck one day and we hope our grandkids don't completely forget about us before putting us in a country clubesque retirement home filled with alcohol and hot old bros. So since we just couldn't wait for National Senior Citizen's Day (August 21st, clearly) here's a list of our favorite old ass celebs, in no particular order.
Betty White: The quintessential old ass betch, Betty is 90 years old and she still owns the fucking scene. She’s a super successful author, has like 12 TV shows, and is just all around loved and respected by everyone in Hollywood. As Tina Fey says, after a certain age women in show business are deemed crazy when no one wants to fuck them anymore, but Betty is the obvious exception because “people still want to have sex with her.”
Joan Rivers: We’ve already put Joan on like 12 of our lists in addition to making her Betch of the Week so we really don’t need to tell you again why she’s so fucking cool. We just hope that when we’re her age we have her same knack for talking shit and taking bong rips.
George Clooney: Even though the Cloonz isn’t so old, he has gray hair which qualifies him in our eyes to be old as fuck. The obvious reason why he is a staple on this list though, is because of his timeless good looks. I mean if there’s one guy who you, your mom, and your grandma would all have sex with, we know who it would be. And something tells me George is absolutely fine with that.
Larry David: Like Joan Rivers, we have already thoroughly established why betches love LD, but just to reiterate, he says whatever the fuck is on his mind with a blatant disregard of others’ feelings and the norms of society. That, along with the fact that he’s hilarious, allows us to watch him on television for extended periods of time without vomming despite his bald, ugly, old ass fucking face.
Meryl Streep: I don’t think there’s an actress more universally well liked than MERYL FUCKING STREEP. Normally this would be a turn off to us, but for some reason we still find her to be insanely cool. She also casually wins an Oscar like every other year which would be annoying if shewasn’t such a good actress. I mean, she could play Snooki in Jersey Shore: The Movie and find a way to bring a tear to the eye of even the most stone-cold person in the audience (us).
Bill Clinton: Yes we know he’s a president, but you tell me the last non-actor introduced a Steven Spielberg movie at the Golden Globes. Exactly. So the reason the original Clinton is on this list is because, regardless of your political leanings, no one can deny that Bill is a fucking pimp in every sense of the word. Even though he was getting blowies on the side during his term, we totally sympathize because like…Hillary. Also, he was so on trend going vegan and it has done wonders for his physique therefore qualifying him as an official president we’d fuck.
Mandy Patinkin: As we touched upon in the Homeland post, it is very unclear why we love Mandy P so damn much. Like he’s even less betchy than LD, not to mention more Jewish than bagels and lox. But for some reason when he smiles at Carrie or tells her she’s a fucking moron, our hearts melt a bit. He’s also casually a Broadway star on the side which will be great when they inevitably make Homeland: The Musical.
Morgan Freeman: The fact that he plays God at least twice a year bodes well for us. And honestly, we’d pay him by the minute to gently lull us to sleep every night by reading the fucking phonebook.
Sean Connery: Formerly known as James Bond, we don't know many other movies this guy has been in but he's still famous as fuck so that has to count for something. Plus, look at this picture... this guy is like the hottest thing I've ever seen. Like, we're even D for his weird ass accent. He'll take the rapist for 200.
Jane Fonda: Known for her workout videos, modeling, and that movie where she played Jennfier Lopez's bitch mother in law, Jane even has her own signature dance move. Also, for being almost 100 years old, this gretch (grandma betch) is super hot.