April 10, 2012
Nerds, business women, Jersey Shore castmates, midwesterners, duct tape. What do all these things have in common? They're people who like to do work, people who are poor, and heavy duty adhesive. So why are we even mentioning these losers? The answer is simple. They all make great party themes!
Betches love themed parties because like #116 Halloween, they give us an outlet to dress in our sluttiest garb where you can "pretend" to be a whore without anyone judging you, all in the name of raging and having sorority pride. On any other day, it might be considered socially unacceptable to put eye makeup all over your face and dress in torn, slutty clothes while holding a beer in a brown bag and a sign that reads 'will suck dick for crack'. On a random Tuesday of second semester, all bets are off. This is merely a derelict themed homeless hoes and hobos mixer. Fucking duh.
Much like sorority sweatshirts and a house in the Hamptons, mixers are marker of social status. Like no I'm not going to the bars covered in neon paint because I'm having a Laney Briggs moment. No, mixers show the world which crowd you belong to, your status among the masses, your group in the herd of wandering promiscuous sheep.
Let's discuss themes and how far you should go with them. It's important to get into the theme since everyone else there will be participating and you don't want to look 'too cool' to dress the part. The key is to be blatant about the theme while being as slutty as possible. Like if you're going for a high school stereotypes party nerd look, be sure to just sport a bra and suspenders with some glasses thrown on for kicks. As a betch, you're not the girl who goes all out with the fake braces and acne. Leave it to your fat funny friend to try and be ironic. You're trying to get laid, not an HBO comedy special. I mean, if you think it's okay to come to an '80s themed mixer as Elaine from Seinfeld you're clearly delusional and were probably home schooled.
Mixers are also fun for the shady reason that we get to go to Target/Walmart and get a taste for what it's like to be a poor person. "Like, omg I need a plaid shirt that I can throw away after tonight. The clothes in the boys under 12 section would totally accentuate my inner cowboy while drawing attention to my bellybutton. I'm totes gonna look like Jessica Simpson before she blew up."
So betches, be sure to attend as many themed parties as you can, go all out, and have the dud follow you around while snapping and uploading staged candid pics of you and your friends. After all, it's not everyday you get to live like the 99%. Themed parties are like, so ironic, you know?